Living

Corrigan: Males need a voice in relationship columns

Columnist provides a voice for relationships from the male perspective.

What in the blue hell do I know about relationships?

I’m clinging to mine.

My girlfriend and I argue on days that end in “y.”

I have no advice for men, I simply have experience.

For almost 24 months — because my girlfriend counts in months like we’re a drooling newborn — my Facebook relationship status has blown minds. Despite the hair pulling, heavy drinking and dry heaving — and that’s just me — my girlfriend and I have ridden this roller coaster in every direction.

For all those dudes desperate for a lover’s loop de loop, hang on to this column and soon you’ll learn how to throw your arms up in the air on a daily basis.

Women have always had advice columns where men are perceived as either the enemy or the elusive goal.

Psychiatrists, professors and doctors have been stirring the sugar-free male “haterade” for years, leaving women with a couch, a crutch and Lorena Bobbitt thoughts.

Guys need an advocate.

Since journalism is about giving a voice to the voiceless, I have volunteered to not only defend my gender, but also shed some light on some dark, cloudy issues surrounding the opposite sex. I’m not “Hitch,” nor am I a guru. I’m simply a writer who hopes his experiences can inform, inspire and, at the very least, entertain those dudes out there wondering why they’re reading the Living section.

College relationships are complex: You want to party, you want to be free and you want to find yourself. However, you hear about those guys who found their wives during college, and you get the itch.

You want someone with whom you can talk to about things that the other guys don’t want to hear. You want someone to impress, someone to make laugh and someone to have “fun” with.

On the other hand, there are instances where your girlfriend is solely around to humble you. When skies are gray, she’ll bring the rain. While you’re partying with your friends, she is plotting your demise. Just when you think the late night joy ride is finished, buckle up for the bitter guilt trip.

Your girlfriend doesn’t travel alone. She brings new family, new friends and this new monthly medical condition into your life. Are you prepared to watch the Phillies with a heightened focus on the players’ physiques?

My girlfriend doesn’t like attention – she sends her Christmas cards through PostSecret. Therefore, I’ll spare her name in this column and refer to her as the smattering of synonyms that Merriam-Webster offers for “girlfriend.” I refrain from using pet names in public, as should you.

If you’re going to perform public displays of affection, don’t hold back. Toss her on the Bell Tower and let freedom ring! Give those bookworms in the library something to take notes on.

I asked one of my best friends why he hasn’t pursued any ladies during college.

His retort: “My apartment is dilapidated and I don’t have enough money to woo her.” Now that is depressing.

This University of Pennsylvania student is under the impression that perfection is necessary for relationships. Listen, women know that we’re financially struggling college students. They don’t anticipate fancy cars, expensive feasts and lavish apartments. They merely expect attention, honesty and affection. Believe me, women will let you slide on some outrageous offenses as long as you’re willing to improve.

When you’ve arrived wasted at her autumn classic or written a song about her highly unlikely lesbian affair with her best friend, then you’re a war veteran with a purple heart and probably a couple black eyes.

Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes and copy my successes.

Being in a relationship is an ego trip. While there are plenty of other options on the market, you’re all sold out. You’re the orphan who found a home.

If this doughy hunchback of manic neurosis can keep an enchanting beauty coming back for almost two years, something must be working.

I hope that you keep coming back for more, too.

John Corrigan can be reached at john.corrigan@temple.edu.

9 Responses to “Corrigan: Males need a voice in relationship columns”

  1. Andrew L

    “…giving a voice to the voiceless.” Corrigan

    Look up “male privilege” on the world wide web. Oh, you should also take a look at “white privilege,” that is, before you presumably move on to Yahoo Answers to ask for “ways to defend my claims on reverse sexism and reverse racism.“
    The male gender needs no defense. Plus, there are already a disgusting amount of “men’s relationship advice columns” on the web. I can link some to you if you want.
    I don’t doubt your potential as a thinker, as a writer, or a as a decent human being. However, I think you need to step outside of yourself and really evaluate the privilege that you and your gender expect and come to accrue every freakin day.

    Reply
    • worlock

      People who throw the word privilege around usually have nothing worthwhile to say. “Privilege” is an accusation used to shut down a discussion, and silence or dismiss the opinions of others.

      If you actually had a counter-argument to offer, why not enlighten us? The clear answer is that you don’t, because most of what Corrigan has written is pretty true. You evidently don’t like the truth, and your only recourse is to try to silence and attack the messenger.

      If you truly believed in equality, then you’d support everyone’s right to express themselves. Even men.

      Reply
  2. Andrew

    Thanks for the humor, bud. I thoroughly enjoyed your articles, and I think it’s a shame that people can’t put aside their petty personal attacks and appreciate your humor. Thanks for always taking that extra step across the line. It’s refreshing to hear someone else who doesn’t mind offending a few extremists to let his talent show. Cherish all this fame and take advantage of it because you know what they say, “Any publicity is good publicity.”

    Reply
  3. h

    “If this doughy hunchback of manic neurosis can keep an enchanting beauty coming back for almost two years, something must be working.”

    i feel so sorry for your girlfriend.

    Reply
  4. Victoria

    Why has this guy been allowed to write more than one article for Temple News? It’s shameful. This article is full of glaring misogyny and is written in the most infantile manner. Why don’t we just let Corrgian get a big tattoo across his forehead that reads “WHAT ABOUT THE MENZ?!”, and move on. It will get his message across, and is decidedly more eloquently written.

    Reply
  5. Emily

    “Psychiatrists, professors and doctors have been stirring the sugar-free male “haterade” for years, leaving women with a couch, a crutch and Lorena Bobbitt thoughts.”

    First of all, implying that feminism and the basic desire to be treated more like an actual human being and less like a single-dimensional sexual object is lame. Obviously we’re gonna have to drink some more of that “sugar-free male ‘haterade’” (because lol girls always have to be on diets so they’re thin because thin means pretty and omg what do we do if we’re not pretty???) since people like you still write bullshit like this and honestly think that men need an “advocate” for anything, because it isn’t like straight white men have been coming out on top for…FOREVER.

    Also, the idea that your girlfriend is going to be around to “humble you,” to “bring the rain,” to take you on a “bitter guilt trip” is dumb. I have run out of better ways to criticize your obvious issues with women here, so there it is. They are dumb. Your girlfriend is a person with legitimate thoughts, feelings, and agency (that’s the ability to make decisions for herself, by the way) outside of whatever fantasy world you’re writing from. I can’t imagine she enjoys being reduced to your boring cliches.

    Reply

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