Living

Corrigan: Time of the month a time of care

In his final column, John Corrigan advises men to take caution during their girlfriend’s time of the month.

Lying in bed Sunday morning, I’m awoken by sounds much louder than any alarm clock.

Despite stuffing my face with eggrolls mere hours earlier, I hear growling echoing from under the sheets. Lifting my head from the drool-stained pillow, I stare in the face of a lion’s roar.

The agony, the torture, the fading chances of satisfying my morning wood…no!

It’s back.

Before I can escape the comforter’s clutch, my girlfriend’s hand grabs my shoulder. The calendar failed me once again, refusing to mention it’s that time of the month. No one prepares guys for how to handle their ladies’ menstrual cycle.

If you’re like me, you snoozed during seventh grade biology because periods only mattered in hockey back then — we actually had hockey back then.

The next time a menstrual cycle affected my life was when Seth got blood on his pants from dancing with that chick in “Superbad.”

And now, I pray for jury duty every 28 days hoping that the trial length rivals O.J. Simpson’s.

According to the National Institutes of Health, estrogen levels rise during menstruation, causing the lining of the uterus to grow and get thicker. If the uterus does not need the extra lining, it begins to shed through the vagina.

Although any man can sympathize with the crotch shots suffered on every episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos, imagine Sandshrew digging in your nether regions like the mini game in Pokemon Stadium.

And you can expect it once a month.

Is attending yoga free of judgment really worth all of the pain that comes with being a woman? Maybe Chaz Bono had the right idea.

Since you can’t prevent the pain, you have to remain cautious around your agonizing girlfriend. Accept that you will be automatically loathed simply because you are a man.

You will repeatedly hear that you don’t know how it feels — you don’t have a vagina and she will basically blame you for having a Y chromosome.

Conversing with your girlfriend while Aunt Flo is visiting is like navigating through a minefield — anything can set her off.

“Why aren’t you wearing that sweater I gave you for Christmas?”

“It’s 75 degrees and sunny, dear.”

“You don’t love me anymore!”

You better duck those mood swings or else she’ll knock you out.

When your girlfriend suffers, you sure will, too.

Although it is not scientifically proven, women can maximize their mean streak during the menstrual cycle. If you thought forgetting your anniversary was forgiven after last month’s argument, you’re about to learn what motivated those recent abs.

Your appearance, your performance, your family, your friends — everything is fair game for critique when you’re caught in a woman’s PMSing scorn.

They call it a period, but an exclamation point is more appropriate.

As for advice, I can’t save you. I have yet to conquer the menstrual struggle.

I tried avoiding my girlfriend during her period, thinking that I couldn’t anger her if I wasn’t around. Chalk that one up in the loss column. Distance only makes things worse because she wants you to console her and take her mind off the cramps.

Misery loves company. However, you can lift her spirits by hanging out, watching movies and quenching those obscure food cravings.

She might not be pregnant, but she still demands 7-Eleven jalapeno cream cheese taquitos. Presents, cards and flowers help — anything to make her feel special.

Chocolate is supposed to be the miracle drug, but my girl is immune to the powers of Dr. Hershey.

Plus, she’s “in the mood.” So take advantage of soothing her aches with a couple pelvic shakes.

Don’t expect a quickie, though. Your evening shall be spent nurturing your honey.

I’ll probably have my relationship status revoked after this column is published, but I’ll bite the bullet for you, my loyal readers.

We’re in college.

If we haven’t learned survival strategies by now, we never will.

Don’t expect this topic to be Father Mahoney’s homily Sunday, but please, say a prayer for me.

John Corrigan can be reached at john.corrigan@temple.edu.

328 Responses to “Corrigan: Time of the month a time of care”

  1. Actor Toby Huss

    No such thing as bad publicity.

    College kids are so soft. You’re not allowed to make fun of anything anymore if someone gets hurt. This is why The New Girl is popular and it’s sad because that show stinks. Zooey Deschanel has the comedic timing of a Charles Whitman bullet.

    Welcome to the real world where people aren’t going to like everything about you.

    Reply
  2. Krissy

    I’m a woman and not offended by this at all. I think it’s creative, witty and outside the box. It’s obvious through reading this he isn’t trying to attack women but poke fun on an off-beat topic.

    Also, +1 for the Pokemon reference.

    Reply
  3. Connor

    Great article John. I thought it was very funny and comical. If you dont like, dont read it. Fuck you. He wont change his style of writing because of these dumb ignorant comments. Have a sense of humor and lighten up people. This is the typical thoughts of a teenage boy just like myself. If you writing a comment in anger you obviously have no sex and will be a 40 year old virgin. John is going places and none of you will stop him. Everyone just relax. You are way to sensitive and your opinions dont mean shit so stop. Not all articles are meant to be what you want and accepted by everyone. He is a writer, he has freedom of speech and just because you cant write one yourself dont hate. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Anna

      Freedom of speech means freedom to speak against the government, not to say whatever kind of bs you want with impunity.

      Reply
  4. Glad

    I thought this was pretty funny. I’m unbearable during that time of the month and seeing it from a guy’s point of view is always funny. Congrats on making it to the Huff Post.

    Reply
  5. Morgan

    I see that the majority of the readers of the article do not have a funny bone in their body. I found this article posted on my friends wall and really enjoyed reading it. Yes, I am a girl, and yes I did laugh with the article. It is his point of view of the subject, therefore it does not necessarily have to be fit to your expectations. I believe what he was trying to do is put a good laugh in the newspaper for his last column, which I think he was very successful in completing. Please head my advice: lighten up. Life is too short to be bashing a writer for the Temple News. Embrace the humor and have a good day. Happy Finals Week!

    Reply
  6. Brandon

    Seriously? People are really this upset over such a harmless article? The women who are posting comments saying this is demeaning and sexist are really playing the feminist card hardcore. I’m all for equal rights and I personally treat women great but come on…really? You’re going to freak out and attack this article for something so harmless? I wouldn’t be surprised if you are the same people that claim that being sexually free and sleeping around/being a slut is liberating for women. My point is, you should probably get tested. Tested for what you ask? Well, retardation for starters and if the former mention of being sexually free fits your persona then probably STI’s as well.

    Reply
    • Appalled

      Wow, you managed to degrade the mentally challenged and sexually active women in one go. Good job!

      Reply
  7. Christi O'Donnell

    Most of the emotional stuff happens during PMS for me. Also, periods aren’t that big of a deal! Lol, you haven’t figured out how to cope when your girlfriend is on her period yet? It isn’t hard if you are with the right person. Just offer to buy the pads/tampons, midol, and chocolate ice cream. If she is in agonizing pain, rub her back. But really, we experience our periods once a month, so unless your girlfriend is 14 and experiencing her period for the first time, it isn’t that big a deal because we accept it as fate 12 times a year! No surprises anymore.

    Reply
  8. Victoria

    This a narrow-minded, misogynistic excuse for journalism. Temple should be embarrassed by this. The site calls it Temple News…since when is ill-informed chauvinism credible commentary?

    Clearly since you intend to change your relationship status with this last column your girlfriend really serves no purpose besides being a penis hole and, apparently, torturing you during her menstrual cycle. I can only say how much I encourage her to leave you and find someone who doesn’t project her personal problems as if he actually is affected by them. Suck it up. Be a man. Take care of your woman confidently and confidentially, and don’t bitch to the internet about how every girlfriend is a growling monster on their menstrual cycle.

    I’ll say a prayer for you, all right. But after this: go to hell.

    Reply
  9. Ayn

    Honestly, I’m more perturbed with the fact that this guy seems to have little to no interest in actually understanding his female partner. As someone who writes for a relationship column, you think the dialogue would be focused on tips to understanding and empathizing with your girlfriend over an-over-the-top slapslick comedy bit about periods.

    Reply
  10. Anna

    Have fun working at Fox News! Your brand of “humor” and outdated opinions of women and menstruation will fit right in with all those alcoholic zealots and bitter virgins, like yourself. Also, single-sentence paragraphs should be used when you’re telling the reader something exciting or important, not mindless drivel like this. Your insultingly simplistic and uninspired prose will be a great asset to Fox — they’re your kind of people.

    Reply
  11. Sally

    What does “you’re about to learn what motivated those recent abs” mean? This article doesn’t make any sense.

    Reply
  12. Piper Lee

    I am a 37 year old women that thinks this article is hilarious! I have suffered the wrath of Aunt Flow for many years, she is a emotional wreck at times and is definitely irrational. This article made me laugh, I know that it has to be hard on men to deal with the craziness of the out of control hormones that come along with the monthly dread. To all the women that were offended over this article do yourself a favor and lighten up. In no way is this a damsel in distress or a reference to sexism . This is a young mans funny point of view on the monthly apocalypes!

    Reply
  13. johnbiggss

    Like many before you, you’re being criticized for telling the honest truth. You also write well and lightly. Congrats. Many of us males know exactly what you mean.

    Reply
  14. Keith

    why are people taking this so seriously? it’s a column written by a COLLEGE student. get over yourselves and learn to take a joke. there’s bigger things going on in the world today than some nobody writing an article on the internet. you people are all idiots, your offense is getting this kid national exposure. mr.corrgian, way to play the game on all these fools.

    Reply
  15. Mike

    Wow. That was really stupid. I mean, I’m not offended by the juvenile and cliché humor. It’s just, well, stupid.

    Reply
  16. Citibankrobbers

    After watching a few repeating National Car Rental commercials during webcasts of the Daily Show, my girlfriend finally asked me :Who the hell IS that guy?!” I told her it was Joe Buck. After a bunch more of the same commercial she said “If I ever see that guy in the airport I am going to kick him the balls.” I never thought anyone would knock him from the top spot on her list. I was wrong. Kudos.

    Reply
  17. Kate

    Really? This guy? I think he read every negative article on PMS out there and is passing it off as something he’s experienced with his “girlfriend’ — if he even has one.

    Reply
  18. Madeline

    This could be totally offensive if a woman were to take it in the wrong way– I mean, it plays off cheap gender stereotypes, incriminates the suffering female, yada yada.
    But as a satirical look at menstruation from a guy’s perspective (not all guys! just one man’s point of view!), I found this article hilarious.
    It’s one of those things that, at some point, someone really just has to say. Periods can be painful and confusing for both sexes in a relationship, so thank you for pointing out some of those nuances that females may not have previously been aware of.
    Happy periods for couples are possible!
    Just imagine what a lesbian relationship during “that time of the month” is like…
    Salut~

    Reply
  19. Jamie

    Nothing irritates me more than generalizations like this for an entire gender. Just because your girlfriend is a bitch doesn’t mean all women are like this on their periods. And sorry you’re not mature enough to have sex when your girl’s on her period.

    p.s. sorry for the attitude, it’s that time of the month

    Reply
  20. disgust

    As an editor of a popular magazine I just happened to stumble upon this. Please fire whoever is in charge of any journalism program this student belongs to.

    Reply
  21. Alicia

    I actually thought it was true And funny! I am a woman so I know how completely true this can be when it is a particularly nasty period (hormone-wise lol) . Some things were a bit embellished, but seeing as how they are based on the average males point of view it is understandable. I think it kind of ridiculous how offended some women get over articles like this (probably because they not only know how true it is, but they themselves do it). I mean, men aren’t prepared for the onslaught of hormonal arrows and grenades flung in their direction once a month. It may not even be from just a significant other… females are EVERYWHERE lol. This article was honest and respectable. If the feminists want to stake a claim to freedom of speech why is it they think men are aholes for voicing their opinion. Is it wrong because it differs from your own? Honestly, if you want equality.. then why do you not treat men with the respect you obviously crave so badly. Ingenious article sir lol.

    Reply
  22. Matt

    John, I loved this article. It did exactly what you intended it to do, made me laugh. Why everyone would insist you are an ass or anything over this article is beyond me, but then again my intelligence is more than that of a four year old, and clearly many of the people who commented still haven’t reached kindergarten. If anyone is going to get offended by this article, then they are gonna be eaten alive in the real world. To be so sensitive that you can’t even laugh at some of the stereotypes and jokes in this article, that are clearly meant as jokes, is just sad. Especially all the women who are commenting so upset. Honestly, the only thing that can be said to those people is grow up. No one was personally attacked, and frankly, men and women were the butt of his jokes. If your gonna cry over this article, then good luck with the rest of your life, because honestly your going to need it.

    I have dealt with many of these exact situations with my ex girlfriend and current girlfriend. I have made the trips to seven eleven at 11 at night to buy a slice of shitty pizza to satisfy some odd craving. I have been told I am heartless and a monster for falling asleep without saying goodnight during this horrible time of the month. So you keep writing the truth John, and ill keep laughing at your jokes and reading your articles.

    Oh and for all those idiots who are so mad they can’t get a girlfriend themselves that they have to insult someone they don’t even know, I’m truly sorry your life is that sad and miserable you have to insult others in order to feel better about yourselves.

    Reply
  23. @shannolicious

    John,
    You’re completely right and I love you. Can’t wait to be on your show next semester.
    peace and blessings
    xo

    Reply
  24. CJ

    Well I am a female and I find this article to be comical and relatable. It is true that you guys probably wouldn’t understand how horrible it feels to have a tasmanian devil in your uterus and nor should we expect you to. I think it’s funny to hear about what it feels like from the other side. The only thing I am slightly confused by is how the guy who wrote this article would possibly know what this is like (and so vividly might I add). He looks like he has never had a girlfriend. And so, I am a little bit concerned about the credibility of this article. I digress. As a female, I apologize to all of the males that have been affected by our horrible Double X chromosome problems. All I ask is that you bear with us in our time of need. We need your sensitivity and your support at this time more than ever.

    Reply
  25. Drake

    This article was fucking terrible. Does the Temple News have a play pen of toddlers for editorial staff? Is it just a bunch of hairless, ferret-brained frat boys high-fiveing eachother about sneaking “morning wood” into a Temple news article? (note: “fiveing” comes up as wrong on Firefox spell-check and under possible corrections for the word the only option is “fingering”. Not far off)

    First of all, what kind of sociopath finds it acceptable to organize a journalistic narrative as a series of disjointed, nearly unrelated sentences. What am I reading your fucking Twitter account? Who thinks it is a good idea to attempt to write a story by simply stringing together clever-esque one-liners and slang terms for menstruation?

    Second, what the hell makes you think starting off an article with a reference to your erection is an at all acceptable way to make people want to read your story? I mean, if I just started off every paper I wrote with “by the way, professor I have a penis” I would probably be arrested. Unfortunately, nobody has yet thought to revoke your right to free speech.

    Finally, what infuriates me most is that the author is probably going to take some kind of unwarranted, smug pride in having caused a stir and received so many comments on an article; he will likely feel like a trailblazer, a muckraker, someone who is doing a service by providing a space for public discussion of complicated social issues. Please be assured: NOT ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY.

    In closing the Temple News is a shit rag, and its reporters are untalented morons.

    Reply
  26. jamie

    People need to get their sticks out of their asses and just lighten up. This article is obviously supposed to humorous, and the author is just writing about how he deals with his girlfriend’s menstrual cycle in a comical way. I’m pretty sure MOST guys would agree with this article to a certain extent :p

    And this is coming from a girl.

    Reply
  27. barbara petrasovits

    I just want to tell you how very proud I am of you. Stay strong and true yourself do not let the oppinions of everyone influence or discourage who you are. Personally I thought it was funny and truth be told, TRUE!!!!! The women who don’t like it, well they are in denial and the men, they are just being men, generally glueless and this is why you needed to write about it. Is this topic somewhat taboo, sure but who cares. It is all part of relationships and the more people understand and know the better everyone is!!!!! Love you tons <3 Aunt Barb

    Reply
  28. LaTourista

    What absolute trollop. The Temple News is honestly just half a tier above a tabloid.

    Reply
  29. Gouki

    Good stuff man. You even made huffpo news. Know what’s funny? Sites like huffpo and the atlantic slam men ALL the time. Articles like the “end of men” and others on how marriage is heading down the tubes because it’s men’s fault..give me a break. Yet, a guy writes a piece of satire that pokes at the menstrual cycle and the claws come out.
    I can tell some of the people in the comments are trying to be funny themselves by saying the same old insults used against men in general.
    Pull the sticks out of your asses and laugh. Is this what passes for feminism nowadays? Attacking a piece of satire because it involves women? Seriously, makes me feel even better about moving out of the U.S and away from the estrogen fueled stampede.

    Reply
  30. Jordan

    If you ignore how sexist this article is, it’s still unbelievably unfunny and unoriginal. Oh man, women get emotional on their periods, what a shocking observation! He’s literally just regurgitating other jokes which have been shat out by comedians for the past 500 years, and he’s not even doing it in any kind of clever or original way! Seriously, I can sum up this whole article as “LOL WOMEN ON THEIR PERIODS AMIRITE GUYS?” And if you find that funny and hilarious then you really should reevaluate your sense of humor, because it’s broken. I mean shit all of his examples of how women act on their periods are from sitcoms and movies. I think this article seems to forget that women are people and not sexist stereotypes.

    Also I’d like to point out that he basically says “yeah man, your girl is in awful pain every month. You are clearly the one suffering here.”

    Reply
  31. Meh

    I am a female (honestly though, it shouldn’t matter whether I’m a female or not, but everyone is socially conditioned to believe that it actually makes a difference) and I can’t say that I dislike this article. At the same time, I don’t like it either. The topic is one that we’ve all heard of before. He makes a period sound like huge struggle when it really isn’t. “The agony, the torture”, “to conquer the menstrual struggle”, and “pray for jury duty every 28 days”? Really? Could you make it sound any more dramatic?

    He was probably trying to sound funny, but could have done a lot better. The article is full of hyperbole, which is probably why so many women are offended by this article (lol). Good storytellers are ones who lie, but I believe that the best storytellers are the ones who are honest. Nice try, but maybe you should write something of value next time (if you ever get the chance).

    Reply
  32. John Evans

    Jesus, what utter crap. Whether it’s misogynistic or not is beside the point… what offends me most is how poorly written it is. I recommend you learn how to use paragraphs for your next effort!

    Reply
  33. Noel Forte

    I am appalled on how this article is written. Your idea of “humor” isn’t funny in any way shape or form. Nor should you be sacrificing your relationship to “your loyal readers”. In “college”, you want to try to built a network of people, and by writing this, your name will most likely be remembered for what you wrote here.

    Reply

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