TV judges get judged by the ultimate critic

What do American Idol, America’s Got Talent and Dancing with the Stars all have in common?

OK, well, besides the incredible ability to indefinitely kill your brain cells typically used to hold the quadratic formula. In case you were wondering, that’s why you can never remember it.

The real answer – they all have judges. But not just your everyday, stern-faced, invisible personality judges. Nope – only the strong survive in the hamster-eat-hamster world of judging.

It’s time for the judges to get judged. Will they survive the scrutiny in this final edition of Cut to the Chase? Only Nostradamus would know. (Pity that he died in 1566, no?)

Let’s be honest. It doesn’t take much talent to be a judge. To prove this, we just take a random sampling of judges on popular reality competition shows.
Simon Cowell. Sharon Osbourne. Paula Abdul. See?

Talent aside, there are certain characteristics each judge must possess. First is a dislikeable likeability.

The meanest judge on every panel is the Brit. There’s no denying it. Yet, everyone seems to love the one everyone seems to hate. If only this carried over to American politics, we’d live in a utopia.

The rude, selfish, conceited, demeaning, arrogant jerk of a Brit will say you’re horrible when you probably weren’t.

Although, if you were horrible, you might as well change into a diaper and crawl into the fetal position with a bottle. It’d be less embarrassing that way.

To counterbalance the evilness of the Brit, we need to have the “all-American.” Let me be clear – the all-American does not necessarily need to be American. They just need to want to be American, like the Italian DWTS judge, Bruno Tonioli. Or David Hasselhoff.

A sense of empathy is required to be a judge, and since the Brits typically lack it (wouldn’t you love to see Simon perform a ballad?), the all-American must be brutally honest in a gentle, calm way.

Example: “Yo, dawg, that was hott. Totally killer, totally off da hook. You’re bringin’ down the house tonight!” or “Yo, man, I wasn’t feelin’ that one. Not feelin’ it at all. Tonight’s not your night, man.”

By incorporating clichés and early ‘90s language, Randy Jackson epitomizes honesty in a performance. Tonioli carries this over to ABC as so-called celebrities prance around a wooden floor. Over at NBC, the Hoff just proves to be an incredibly confusing human.

Alas, we need the female. Every judges’ table that has three seats must include one female. None would be sexist. Two would be over-bearing. Three would be apocalyptic.

A strong knowledge of the English language and an A+ in freshman composition should be required for the female judge. But why hold FOX up to such high standards when they can hire a semi-retired ex-Laker Girl?

Occasional unintelligibility aside, the female judge fills the role of the morale booster. At times, she can be harsh. But most of the time, the female must be able to find a glimmering light in an empty mineshaft 300 feet below ground.

Through careful analysis of judge placement, we can learn that reality television is slowly dying. When we put the future of mostly semi-talented individuals in the hands of grumpy, bitter judges, do we truly expect magic? Will we become a better society through the guidance of these figureheads? Is Paula Abdul sober?
Nah.

Over the course of this year, I’ve discussed numerous topics in entertainment and pop culture. Most of the time, particularly now, you probably haven’t cared. But you read, and for that, I’m grateful.

Perhaps you disagreed with my top 10 game show hosts. Maybe you researched some of my notable deaths of 2007. It’s even possible I’ve energized your undying fear of Oprah – her world takeover is looming.

It’s been an honor to cut to the chase, and I thank you for welcoming my undeniable charm and arrogance, column after column.

By the way, the quadratic formula is the opposite of b, plus or minus the square root of the difference of b squared minus four times a times c all over two times a.
Just in case you were wondering.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Events of today too current for Hollywood flicks

Remember when the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League debuted in 1943?

Regardless if you were born or not, you probably know little about it. Unless you’ve seen A League of Their Own.

But how much do you, in fact, know based on the flick? Former leaguer Doris Sams said the movie was “about 30 percent truth and 70 percent Hollywood.”

If you’re going to fabricate info, let’s just lie like God’s not watching.

Prime example: director Oliver Stone plans to release a movie by either the November election or January presidential inauguration entitled W., an account of the life and presidency of George W. Bush.

Political views aside, shouldn’t history take its course for a few years to see the effects of the Bush administration more clearly? There shouldn’t be any rush to create a movie based on actual events. Perhaps that’s why controversy ensued when Stone created World Trade Center less than five years after the terrorist attack.

But hey, who am I to stop the entire centrifugal motion of Hollywood? One man can’t elicit much change. Though, I elect to help the cause by giving Tinsel Town somewhat uninteresting storylines based on actual events to appease the wallets of executives.

FAST LANE

What do you get when you cross a successful television anchor, a New York City cop and a few choice curse words? Hollywood magic.

Based on the true story of Philadelphia anchor Alycia Lane, Fast Lane will give you a personal insight into the Latina bombshell the NYPD didn’t want you to see.

It was a cold night when Lane and her lowlife radio boyfriend decided to punch a female cop in the face. But it was a night that began the rest of her life.

At the ripe age of 34, the anchor decides to write her memoirs, something typically reserved for people who have actually achieved something in their lives. But the guilt becomes too much to bear as she watches repeat episodes of NYPD Blue on TNT every day.

Starring Meryl Streep as Lane (trust me, it works) and Larry Mendte as himself, Fast Lane will have you holding on for your life – as much as chronicling the tales of a fallen news anchor can, at least.

IDOL CHATTER

What happens when a presidential candidate attempts stand-up comedy in the midst of his campaign trail? Let’s just say the Titanic has a better shot of being resurrected.

Based on the true story of Sen. John McCain, Idol Chatter will leave you wishing the United States had a monarchy.
After a guest stint on The Late Show with David Letterman and a taped skit on American Idol, McCain decides he wants to give the strenuous comedy circuit a shot.

But his Republican tradition follows him as his audience approval rating continues to plummet. Distressed and confused, the senator must find a balance between his bruised funny bone (he actually hurt it in an incident involving a microphone stand and a sock puppet) and the quest for presidential anarchism.

You’ve seen American Dreamz – actually, you probably haven’t – but now there’s Idol Chatter. Guaranteed to be the best date movie since Saw III.

BRANGELINA PLUS 34

One is to blame for helping to begin the tradition of combining the names of celebrity couples into one cohesive moniker. The other likes kids. Lots and lots of kids.

So is the inspiration behind Brangelina Plus 34. Based on the true story of an unknown Hollywood power couple’s never-ending adoption and pregnancy cycle, Brangelina is sure to make even Catholics shudder.

It started on a trip to Africa, when Angelina decided to adopt a few kids. After Brad broke up with his Friend too good for him, he decided to travel with Angelina. Once they both decided they liked kids equally as much, they became the proud parents of 32.

But what’s an adoption tale without a surprise pregnancy ending and a twist consisting of exes? A pregnant Angelina (with twins!) must make the tough decision between a life of extreme domesticity and a life with Billy Bob Thornton. The decision may seem easy, but emotions run high.

But always remember – there’s no crying in parenthood!

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Celebrity mating gone bad: don’t mix these genes

Apple. Indiana. Jagger. Dweezil. Moxie Crimefighter.

No, these aren’t a few of my favorite things. Rather, they’re proof that babies born to celebrities don’t have a shot in hell when it comes to “standard” names.

Adding to the miserable fact that these kids have names worthy of Oompa-Loompas rather than humans is that they’re being raised by celebrities.

But perhaps we should be grateful for the children we have based on the children who could have been. Thanks to the scientific, genetic and psychic data fabricated below, maybe Moxie Crimefighter has a shot.

Name: JC Cruise
DOB: Oct. 10, 2010
Parents: Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley

There’s been debate about whether JC stands for Jumping Couch or Jenny Craig. But at the age of 19, JC will decide to abandon her scientologist roots and convert to the Catholic Church, much to the dismay of her parents.

The lovechild of a Cruise and Alley affair, JC will grow up in a broken home. The little girl was born with Cruise still married to Katie Holmes, who hasn’t been seen for years but likely suffers from desperate domesticity.

JC will never be able to leave her father’s past behind and will turn to Wendy’s delicious Baconator sandwich as tri-daily therapy. Life will slowly get better after a diet of Hydroxycut.

Name: Sober Hasselhoff
DOB: May 4, 2009
Parents: David Hasselhoff and Paula Abdul

No Bud Light for this girl. Give her the Captain Morgan. Out of fear of a life like (or allegedly unlike, in Abdul’s case) theirs, the alcohol-laden parents tried to instill a sober lifestyle through an artsy name, pronounced
so-BEAR.

But once she steps through the gates of West Virginia University, the nation’s No. 1 party school according to the Princeton Review, all hope is lost.

Sober will go down in YouTube history like her father’s infamous drunken plea. But it’s a better experience than being a second-rate celeb in Germany.

Name: Whatis Prima Facie Trebek
DOB: Feb. 29, 2010
Parents: Alex Trebek and Judge Judy Scheindlin

After a successful plea for a federal mandate to have leap year occur every two years, the smart-aleck duo of Trebek and Scheindlin will not only set world records when it comes to their child with its birthday, but also with the amount of facial hair Whatis will have.
The 9-pound baby will don a full, grey mustache when he pops out of mommy. The national landmark, which had typically been considered extinct after the 18th season of Jeopardy!, is apparently genetic, passed onto all offspring of the game show guru.
Inherited from his mother will be Whatis’ temperamental nature, a dislike of Swiss cheese and an utter hatred for the city of Toronto.

Name: Cuisinart Joe Pennington
DOB: Dec. 14, 2012
Parents: Ty Pennington and Martha Stewart
Most people will look past the fact that this young man’s namesake is a food processor since his parents are revolutionary home improvement wizards.

It’s funny how his parents met, actually. They hooked up through Stewart’s prison pal, Big Sue Summerton, who knew Pennington from a weekend in Vegas that involved the MGM Grand, a bottle of champagne and Pepto-Bismol.

Regardless, Cuisinart will get a managerial position at Foot Locker, for his hands are not as gifted as those of his parents. The advantage is that Pennington gets discounts on his Timberlands.

Name: Scooby A. Vick
DOB: July 7, 2011
Parents: Michael Vick and Pamela Anderson
The ousted Falcon made amends for his animal cruelty with PETA member Anderson during a community service event at an animal shelter. But clearly, that wasn’t the only service Vick performed.

Cage B302 at the Sherwood Oaks Animal Shelter has been placed on the National Registry of Historic Places for being the place where Scooby was conceived. Scooby, who disowned his parents at the age of 14, will become a national treasure for his unprecedented work in toothpaste flavoring.

His minty-fresh breath, however, will be short-lived as he decides to quit the tooth business and move to Gilroy, Calif., garlic capital of the world. He’ll quickly find the ladies are hard to come by.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Recipe for the Food Network’s success

It’s where I go if I want to grab a midnight snack, ‘unwrap’ some secrets, or practice my Southern accent.

The biggest calamity of living in a residence hall was not being able to indulge in the Food Network. But, at least I had its Web site to whip up some recipes from my favorite TV chefs.

The recipe of the Food Network itself has grown since its launch on Nov. 23, 1993. What once was a platform for professional chefs to show their skills is now an open forum where the everyday cook can compete in a competition, show off in front of America, or even get their own program.

But that doesn’t mean we’re necessarily left with quality programming. Here are the best and the worst – the personalities that make the network taste deliciously decadent or superficially sour.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Oprah’s plan of world domination

Oprah is going to take over the world. It’s as simple as that.

Maybe it’s her net worth of more than $2.5 billion. Maybe it’s her domination of every form of media. Or maybe it’s her ever-changing hair styles.
Whatever the reason, we need to prepare ourselves for a world takeover. And here’s why.

1. THE NAME GAME

Oprah, 54, is one of the few people in the world who can pull off not needing a last name. She joins the prestigious ranks of renowned historical figures like Plato, Hercules and Cher.
When Oprah started in show business at a Baltimore television station, the news director urged the 22-year-old reporter to change her name to Suzy, a friendlier and more memorable moniker.

Oprah resisted. Had she not, we wouldn’t be in this world-takeover predicament. Because, really, have you ever met a Suzy you didn’t like?

2. PROGRAMMING PROGRAMS
Sept. 8, 1986 is the date to credit the beginning of the earth’s downfall. With candor and optimism, Oprah premiered her daytime talk show.
We have many things for which we owe thanks to the talk show. Harpo Productions, for one. Oprah is lucky her name is pronounceable backwards, as this began her domination of American dollars.

And thank goodness Oprah branded the nerves of Texas cattlemen when she said she’d never eat another burger because of mad cow disease. Without that defamation suit, we would have never dreaded – er, been introduced to – Dr. Phil.

A new media outlet and $55 million later, Oprah ventured into radio in 2006 with a new satellite radio station, Oprah & Friends. Reminds you of Garfield cartoons, no?

Not satisfied with an hour on television every day, Oprah will soon be taking over the Discovery Health Channel to create OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. Or, it could be used as, “Oprah is going to OWN you.” Either one.

3. ENDORSING INFLUENCE
For the first time, Oprah decided to publicly endorse a candidate – Sen. Barack Obama. Because of her ability to connect with millions of viewers, readers, listeners and God, some credit the Winf for creating a hefty following for the Illinois senator.

Oprah’s influence is so strong that it leaves Sen. Hillary Clinton in an awkward position. For some uncanny, unexplainable reason, people will do what Oprah does.

Oprah has accompanied Obama on a few rallies, one of which was the largest political event of 2008 with more than 30,000 participants. If Oprah steps foot in Pennsylvania, Clinton might as well get her cheesesteak and pretzel to go.

SO IT GOES…
Baby step by baby step, Oprah is slowly expanding her empire, leading to world domination.

She gave out 276 cars to her studio audience in 2004 – for no apparent reason. She gave Dr. Phil a show – for no apparent reason. On a new ABC time filler, she’s giving money to do-gooders as a prize for their doing random acts of kindness – for no apparent reason.

Our oblivious, brainwashed minds don’t realize that these no-apparent-reason deeds are her stepladder to world ascendancy.

I’m not taking away from the wonderful things Oprah does. Her philanthropic work throughout the world is unmatched and could even be considered revolutionary.
She understands the power she holds. Therefore, I question her intentions.

Perhaps there is a position of world power to be occupied by Oprah in the near future. There are tons of cabinet positions Obama would need filled. And there are still a few spare hours of television she hasn’t yet acquired. Or maybe she’ll become an honorary Supreme Court justice.

Next thing we know, Oprah will be purchasing Google for the heck of it. Rather than fight her, let’s just accept her. Of course, it’s not the best scenario, but it might be better than what we have now.

Just don’t call her Suzy.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

‘Price is Right’ still worth the trip

Come on down.

It’s been just more than one year since I heard those words in person, as Rich Fields spoke them just before introducing Bob Barker.

Neither I nor my friends were called down as a contestant on The Price is Right during the two shows we watched Barker tape last spring break, but the experience is absolutely irreplaceable.

As early as the plane ride home, we were already discussing the possibility of returning to Fairfax Avenue to see a taping with the new host, who, at that point, was far from chosen.

When watching The Late Show with David Letterman one somber night over the summer, the world learned what the future of the show would be.

I went into the announcement of Drew Carey as Barker’s successor with an open mind. I loved Whose Line is it Anyway?, and I think he does a nice job on CBS’ Power of 10. But could he really fit into TPIR?

Nah.

There definitely could have been better choices (Dancing with the Stars host Tom Bergeron) and there definitely could have been worse choices (Rosie O’Donnell).

But after the Oct. 16 premiere, we quickly learned that there could never be a successor to Barker. Some could come close, but Carey wasn’t within reach.

My spring break 2008 plans had been put on hold, as the show wasn’t the same without Barker. Granted, no one expected it to be, but it was inferred that after a few months, Carey was to make it his own.

He’s tried. He’s kept Barker’s sign out – although, he’s made it a little more awkward – and he calls the former Barker’s Beauties by their real names. But is that enough?

It may or may not be. Regardless, I’ve been slowly realizing that I was incorrect to assume that the ball lies in Carey’s figurative court. After all, though 95 percent of the show’s popularity was Barker, the rest was placed on the fans.

It’s the fans who sleep outside on Fairfax Avenue for 36 hours to see TPIR. It’s the fans who lose their voices by the end of the show. It’s the fans who keep the show going.

So I announce it now. Next spring break, I’m making the trek I should have made this year.

I will be one of those screaming fans cheering on Mr. Carey as he continues his quest to satisfy the longtime viewers of one of America’s classic television programs. I will live up to my title of “fan.” I will be told to “Come on down.”

I invite you to join me.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Cliches in the media a lack of creativity

Writing and talking without clichés is easier said than done. Nowadays, clichés come a dime a dozen, and personally, I’ve had it up to here with hearing clichés in the media.

That’s just the way the cookie crumbles, but the buck stops here.

We’ve reached a point where a huge lack of creativity leaves many to resort to the ever-popular, undying cliché. The unceasing, mind-numbing content we absorb leaves us between a rock and a hard place.

And yes, I realize that writing about clichés in a cliché-titled column is a bit hypocritical, but there are bigger fish to fry. Besides, it has a double meaning. There’s a reason for everything – except the things mentioned below.

Clichés are everywhere you turn. We, as the future brains of this country, need to step up to the plate and point the finger at the bigwigs.

Politicians and their obsession with “change” are really the straws that broke the camel’s back in recent months, making their TV presence as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.

Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are beating a dead horse with the use of that word. Props to Sen. John McCain for avoiding it like the plague.

The candidates have been using clichés to tell us what we want to hear. Little do we know, that’s not good enough for us. Clichés aside, we don’t want to hear what we want to hear – we want to hear why we want to hear it.

If I had a nickel for every time I wrote “hear” in the above paragraph, I’d have a quarter.

Super Bowl commercials proved a lack of creativity as well, taking the better-safe-than-sorry approach and leaving the viewers bored to tears. Those ads from just one night represent what we see on television day-by-day.

The ultimate goal of an ad is to sell the product – it’s all about the dollar. The sky’s the limit with minds in the advertising agencies.
Instead of thinking outside the box, advertisers are resorting to exaggerated, over-dramatized scenarios to sell products. For example, Burger King is wasting ad money on “unscripted” reality trashiness in their commercials.

Even if one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, the treasure is still technically trash, isn’t it?

Celebrities are their own rare breed of cliché. But by making their own catchphrases, many celebs are barking up the wrong tree.
Time will tell if Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot” will end up in the encyclopedia. And it’s too little too late for Chef Emeril Lagasse to do anything about his enthusiastic “Bam!”

Since they have used these phrases for so long, it’s not just cliché for celebs to say them anymore, but it is humdrum chatter when anyone says them. But the stars won’t change – damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

In the news business, no news isn’t necessarily good news. But when it rains, it pours. As writers, we’re trained to bite the bullet and tell it like it is.

It’s time for news directors to wake up and smell the coffee. Enough with the exaggeration, the melodrama, the corniness. Time is of the essence in the news business, but haste makes waste.

But I might as well be talking to a brick wall. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and surely, reform takes just as long. Or longer, since this advice is coming from someone with little experience and no college degree. Touché.

Sure, I may be preaching to the choir. After reading this, you may never want to use another cliché again, and I don’t blame you. In fact, that was one of my goals, come hell or high water.

Talk is cheap, and so are clichés. You have your pick of the litter here, but this is really just a sight for sore eyes. I challenge you to come up with the next great idea that’s the best thing since sliced bread.

After all, there’s a first time for everything.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Valentine advice celebs should love to take

Note: This article has been corrected

Celebrities need help nowadays.

When celebrity actions prove to be so newsworthy that they lead CNN’s headlines every hour, something is clearly wrong with society. So I’m here to end this calamity just in time for Valentine’s Day.

In addition to my duties as your pop culture guru, I am a certified astrologist. Accreditations aside, I have the uncanny ability to see into celebrities’ futures.

Pull out the Russell Stover chocolates (yes, there is a relation somewhere), grab some flowers and bask in the glory of celebrity Valentine horoscopes of select stars. And see if these scenarios apply to your own lavish life.

Aquarius
Oprah Winfrey
DOB: Jan. 29, 1954
Enjoy your $2.5 billion net worth before your beau, Stedman Graham, smuggles it into his private account in the Bahamas. Have a quiet V-Day, and have him pay for dinner at a swanky Chicago diner. But keep your power in check, as some humble columnists question your secret intentions about taking over the world through Sen. Obama.

Pisces
Jon Bon Jovi
DOB: March 2, 1962
Kudos for maintaining a strong family life and not giving love a bad name in a career that doesn’t allow for such things. Treat your high school sweetheart to a night on the town by the Jersey shore.

Aries
Jamie Lynn Spears
DOB: April 10, 1991
You were born in the ‘90s. And you’re pregnant. That shouldn’t happen. Spend this V-Day watching Juno without alleged father Casey Aldridge. Receive parenting advice outside of your immediate family.

Taurus
Cher
DOB: May 20, 1946
“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don’t think you’re strong enough.” You make my job easy – listen to your own advice.

Gemini
The Olsen Twins
DOB: June 13, 1986
Spend a V-Day together watching reruns of Full House. Such a family-oriented show could instill some good values into you, the representatives of a young Hollywood for whom people are still holding out hope while things don’t get too messy.

Cancer
Jessica Simpson
DOB: July 10, 1980
Take boyfriend Tony Romo out to dinner with his teammate, Terrell Owens. Have Kleenex on hand. Keep your parents out of this relationship and take responsibility for yourself, for heaven’s sake.

Leo
Martha Stewart
DOB: August 3, 1941
You’re 66 years old, and you’re kind of sexy. And apparently, you’ve had a beau – for 14 years. Be wary of this astronaut, and make sure he carries no grudges or diapers. Cut off ties with any prison buddies – they know where you live.

Virgo
Michael Jackson
DOB: August 29, 1958
Call Lisa Marie Presley and rekindle what once was. Some people are just meant for each other. If you want a chance at love, you must leave the Neverland Valley Ranch, for obvious reasons.

Libra
Simon Cowell
DOB: Oct. 7, 1959
You seem to be fairly content in your love life with a nice woman you probably don’t deserve. Pairing you two together “is like pairing chocolate and an onion,” to put it in your own words. To be frank – don’t screw up.

Scorpio
Bill Gates
DOB: Oct. 28, 1955
When I did a report on you in eighth grade, I was amazed your house was built into a mountain. Buy your wife that mountain and name it after her. Hell, buy her the entire mountain range, and you’ll go down in history as giving the best V-Day gift ever.

Sagittarius
Miley Cyrus
DOB: Nov. 23, 1992
I hate to say it, but based on the actions of your cohorts, you’ll be pregnant within the next year. To avoid this, spend V-Day with your dad – grab dinner and a movie. Since you’re the obvious breadwinner of the family nowadays, Billy Ray could use the support.

Capricorn
Nicolas Cage
DOB: Jan. 7, 1964
The third time’s a charm, as you’ve proved with your third wife. Congratulations. Reconsider your tentative decision to leave the acting profession. National Treasure 3: Search for WMDs can be a V-Day gift to your fans worth more than Oprah could buy.

Chris Stover can be reached at stover@temple.edu.

Playing it safe: Super Bowl commercials lose creative touch

There was no Giant surprise.

Every year, I look forward to the Super Bowl not only for the inevitable excitement that is to come from the game, but also the manic hysteria of the commercials.

This year, like many years before, was off. The game was pretty boring until the final five minutes of the fourth quarter. In what was probably the toughest game for an Eagles fan to watch, the New York Giants upset the undefeated New England Patriots, 17-14. In the end, I’d rather see the Giants win than the Pats complete a perfect season.

Though the game got off to a slow start – a start that seemed to last for 55 minutes of game time – I expected the commercials to boost my energy. Instead, I yawned throughout.

It seems that ever since Janet Jackson’s infamous wardrobe malfunction of 2003 during the Superbowl XXXVIII Halftime Show, companies all around are too scared to put something risqué on television. And for that, we suffer.

Advertisers face a double-edged sword. While they want to make the commercials funny to live up to the tradition of Super Bowls past, they also want to get their name remembered. Sadly, both objectives have failed.

I don’t learn from my mistakes. Before sitting down to enjoy every Super Bowl game, I still believe that I will get some hearty laughs from the commercials. Needless to say, I’m disappointed in myself every year.

There were a few bright spots throughout the commercial breaks, but not enough to make it seem like paying $3 million for a 30-second spot is worth it.

In fact, I’d feel privileged if I lived in Arkansas or Oklahoma. Thanks to a satellite failure, thousands of fans were left stranded Sunday afternoon without any Fox programming – Super Bowl and all.

Onto the commercials. The ones I got mild entertainment out of were from the Coca Cola Company. How often does that happen? I’m a Pepsi person, myself.

First was the battle between Family Guy’s Stewie and canine hero Underdog. The two, both floats in a New York City parade, were chasing after a Coke float – no, not a delicious ice-cream-and-soda combination, but a helium-inflated piece of rubber.

After seconds of bouncing off buildings and scaring children everywhere, the Coke bottle gets away and finally lands in the hands of Charlie Brown, who was hiding behind a skyscraper.

Good ol’ Chuck. It’s about time the kid catches a break.

Next was the political tag team of former Sen. Bill Frist and democratic pundit James Carville. The two began fighting on a talk show and took it outside – to get a Coke. Then the two are seen in a date-like scenario, taking a bus tour of Washington, D.C. while enjoying the happy sensation given only by the sugary sweet concoction of Coke.

Who knew all it takes to be BFFs is a bottle of Coke? Maybe Barack and Hillary should grab a six-pack.

Animals were also a favorite this year. First, a poor, helpless squirrel attempting to capture an acorn was screaming at the top of his lungs, accompanied by his other forest friends, as a car approached ever so quickly. But thanks to the anti-lock brakes of said car, the squirrel – and his acorn – was safe. Cuteness always prevails.

On that note, when you can’t remember the company that puts out the commercial, said commercial is typically not effective.

The second heart-warming animal tale is that of a young horse overlooked to run in a race. But with the help of a trusty Dalmatian, the Clydesdale goes through a strenuous training process, all while the undying theme to Rocky plays in the background.

Alas, the horse is chosen one year later, as the commercial closes with the dog and the horse pounding it out. Even Mr. Balboa could shed a tear over this.

One final touching moment of Superbowl XLII commercials was an ad for American Idol. Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger attempted to belt out “Escape (The Pina Colada Song)” in front of thousands of screaming fans. If Simon Cowell had a flag, I think he’d throw it.

While I don’t enjoy babies throwing up – and thank you for that, CareerBuilder.com – I did enjoy a Pepsi commercial featuring Justin Timberlake getting a mailbox post slammed between his legs a few times. He had it coming.

Though I’ve rattled off a lackluster list of memorable commercials (for good or for bad), the point is advertisers have lost their creative touch. The days where we had three innocent frogs sitting on lily pads in a pond, each croaking three words – “Bud,” “Weis,” “Errr” – are long gone.

Now we’re left with bad commercials that don’t meet our expectations and make us feel worse for wasting our time and hopes.

But in the end, it really doesn’t matter. We’ll forget them by next year, anyway.

Chris Stover can be reached at chris.stover@temple.edu.

Writers’ strike due for early cancellation

Awkward.

That’s how I felt when I tuned in to Jay Leno’s humorless first show of 2008. Granted, Leno wasn’t funny before 2008.

That’s how I felt when I watched the Golden Globe Awards. Or at least the drab, star-less press conference.

That’s how I felt when I spent two consecutive hours watching Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? And no, I’m not.

Because of the striking Writers Guild of America, we’ve been left with mind-draining, brain-numbing television. But the writers aren’t the ones to blame – it’s the big wigs, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers.

More than 12,000 members of the guild began picketing Nov. 5, primarily as a result of the questionable distribution of online profits. Writers deservingly want more cuts from their work, and the AMPTP isn’t budging.

AMPTP members, if you’re reading this humble entertainment column, we need our writers back. Without them, America is heading toward an intellectual meltdown. When Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes president, we’ll blame you.

Without the writers expressing their creativity, we suffer. We can’t get the joy out of what networks air. We can’t talk at the water cooler about last night’s Grey’s Anatomy. You owe us our writers, and here’s why:

1. Shows are canceled for a reason.

Now that the networks aired all the new shows they have, they’re showing ones they’ve already shelved.

Prime example: ABC has shown its lack of hope for Notes from the Underbelly, a sitcom that’s been scheduled and rescheduled multiple times over many months. The effort is unfounded, as the show isn’t even laugh-out-loud funny.

Now, “new” episodes of Underbelly are airing on ABC – the ones that never made it to air because the show was put on hold. These episodes are now airing in lieu of good programming.

If the strike continues, television entertainment as we know it will become defunct. And not only will the writers be out of business, but you will be, too. And I know you want to keep those fancy suits and Lamborghinis.

2. Reality doesn’t cut it.

Fox aired four hours of American Idol in two days. That’s unhealthy in every sense of the word, especially during auditions.

I thought we’d finally be done with Wife Swap. But there it was on television Wednesday night. As addicting as it is, I’d probably have a cleaner soul without it. And keep in mind, you can’t have Wife Swap without Supernanny immediately following.

Fox also premiered the much-hyped The Moment of Truth, a lie-detector game show that is mostly scripted and has the sole purpose of humiliating the contestants and their closest friends and family.

Having the writers back means more meaningfully scripted sitcoms and dramas. More importantly, we’ll have fewer “reality” shows.

For now, we’re being corrupted, which leads to. . .

3. mom mom’s always right.

My grandmother has told me her thoughts on television for years. When the television phenomenon began spreading in the 1950s and ’60s, she became wary immediately.

“I’ve said it from the beginning. They need to put every television set on a barge, send it into the Atlantic, and sink it,” she said. It still rings in my ears.

Not settling with the writers is creating garbage like the poorly crafted reality shows and the lackluster scripted ones. Gather the barges.

There is hope, however. For the most part, it seems that the stars are on the writers’ side and are not crossing the picket line. This is good, as this coalition is sending a wake-up call to the movie studios and networks, particularly the Oscar-hosting ABC.

The alphabet net is shaking in its boots as the future of the biggest night in Tinsel Town, scheduled for Feb. 24, is up in the air.

If the strike continues, one scenario calls for Academy Awards host Jon Stewart to ad-lib the show to a likely less-than-empty Kodak Theatre in Hollywood.

Awkward. . .

Chris Stover can be reached at
stover@temple.edu.

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