Aquarius:( Jan 20-Feb 18): Lately you’ve been communicating your dreamy ideas to your friends and family, and lately, they’ve been telling you to shut up. They understand your idealism but fail to see the reality in it. Put some practicality to the punch and come up with a plan.
Pisces: (Feb 19-Mar 20): Ok, so you’re cute, but must you carry that 60 inch mirror? Vanity is unbecoming. It’s lovely you’re getting second looks and dates, but you ain’t all that. Enjoy your time to shine and um, you look real “perty”.
Aries (Mar21-Apr 19): Are you the guy in front of the bell tower doing the cabbage patch holding a sign saying “I’ll dance for meal points”? I guess that investment in Potato Skin Condoms didn’t pay off, huh? Financial security is accumulated steadily and wisely. Avoid shortcuts. Meanwhile, work on those hidden talents.
Taurus (Apr20-May 20): You’re reading this in some corner, tears smacking against the pages, while a depressing song in a minor key plays in the background. “I don’t deserve this” you’re thinking. Well, Karma is a real B and you deserve what you’re getting. Reevaluate your past actions and see the faults in your ways. The quicker you do this, the better.
Gemini (May21-Jun20): Wipe that grin off your face! I want to sit your jittery behind down, but you have good reason to be happy. Opportunities are calling, and you, in usual Gemini fashion, are answering each one. Be careful to not turn those opportunities turn into hassles.
Cancer (Jun22-July22) : You’re not fooling anyone. It would behoove you to volunteer the secret that you’re feeling inclined to reveal anyway. Make sure you invite me to the big family holiday dinner when you come bolting out the closet or when you let mom know, while passing the mashed potatoes, that you mistook Flintstone vitamins for your birth control pills. I hope you have tofurkey.
Leo (July 23-Aug22): It would be redundant and an understatement to call you egocentric. That’s you. You’ve been going too far babbling about your feelings. There are people starving for attention, yet you have this ravenous appetite for self-absorption. Get a grip. Tend to the needs of your fellow man. Bring those big ideas to the aid of humankind.
Virgo (Aug23-Sep22): Your tongue is more razor sharp than usual. Your knack for damaging egos and lowering self-esteem is more effectual. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You look horrible! One look at your outfits would declare you colorblind and your Timberlands could use a sole. Get it together.
Libra (Sep23-Oct23): I won’t blow your secret that you’re a freak. I didn’t see you coming out of the S&M store with a bag full of inflatable or pointy objects. I will say that you’re enjoying your work situation or the lack thereof. You may be in the process of looking for a better job but don’t stay jobless for long or you won’t have enough money for those “toys”.
Scorpio (Oct24-Nov22): You are on the rampage! Take no prisoners! Mars, your co-ruler, is chilling in Scorpio, so your sense of ambition is peaking. Creatively you’ll have something to offer. Just make sure you don’t step on the wrong people along the way. I don’t think mom would appreciate the footprints on her dress.
Sagittarius (Nov23-Dec21): Are you eating another twinkee? Don’t you think your scale is tipping just a little much to the right? Of course not. “All excess is access to happiness” is your motto. Avoid the point of no return. You’re at a point of inner change, but don’t turn to a pig in the process.
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19): “Can I buy you a sink?” Oh, you said, “can I buy you a drink!” You really have to work on pronunciation and clarity of communication when it comes to matters of the heart. I thought I’d have to see Home Depot from the back seat.