Back by popular demand, I give you the orgasm

That there may be no further confusion on the matter, I proclaim, here and now, once and for all, my unsquelchable love for Ikea. If I could make love to Ikea, we would throw down

That there may be no further confusion on the matter, I proclaim, here and now, once and for all, my unsquelchable love for Ikea. If I could make love to Ikea, we would throw down right in the center of Columbus Boulevard. All those couches in one place. Good things are bound to happen. We won’t get started on the kitchen counters.

Of particular interest to me was the home office section upon my last trek to South Philly, which concluded with me finding the desk of my dreams. Cherry wood paneling, adjustable shelves, drawers and – joy! – a sliding keyboard tray. I’m greedy when it comes to furniture.

As with any passionate love affair, Ikea and I have our fiery differences. I am nerved about this whole assembly process. For the words, “What the hell are these extra screws for!?” to fly from my mouth is puzzling even to me. I don’t do so well with charts and graphs, let alone linear models of 3-D projects. Why make something so simple so complex? I think that desk should have to assemble itself. I’ve got better things to do.

Enter the connection to sex, as this is such a column. Putting together the many intricate pieces of intimacy to reach climax is much the same. We get all these pictorial guidelines from health class that we pair with locker room slobber, “Internet research” and some scraping together of experience.

Armed with as much anatomy IQ as possible, we dive right in and are surprised when we don’t come out dripping wet.

Alas, these tools are rarely of any assistance when you’re staring down the goods mono-e-genitalia. In frustration, we often decide that that person either isn’t that into us, that we must not be compatible or, most often, that we just aren’t up to snuff … not that this has ever happened to me. I’m just reading some other people’s CliffsNotes. Ahem.

As much as I enjoy drawing dirty pictures on bar napkins and intimidating people with crude gestures, you won’t get any anatomical sex ed from me here. I’m just not qualified. Additionally, you can get that anywhere. That’s why it’s textbook knowledge. While knowing your partner’s body is paramount to your success, if you are still having problems sealing the deal, you might try giving the actual organs a break. This isn’t a camping trip. You won’t start a fire with more friction and determination, scout.

It has been my experience that the most valuable, successful encounters have been with people who spent the majority of their time trying to get in my head instead of trying to give it to me. Your most powerful, end-all be-all sex organ is your noggin. A perfect dismount is wasted if the judges aren’t paying attention.

The same goes for your own execution. If your partner isn’t mentally set for that kind of intimacy, whatever outcome he or she receives will be of an according intensity level.

So logically, if you are going to spend the time taking care of your partner, and it’s really about them, your priority should be their state of mind first, their physical state second. Do they feel comfortable? Is the mood right? Are you being attentive? Did you spend enough time on warm-ups? The world’s best sprinters spend hours in preparation for a main event that lasts less than 10 seconds.

When you don’t start the process – because it is one – by putting the focus on them, tension will mount, frustration will be contagious and both of you will end up fighting each other’s bodies instead of using them.

It is very important to be able to reflect on what’s happening, feel that person out and go back to the drawing board if things aren’t progressing as planned. There is nothing wrong with a new game plan midway through the second quarter. In fact, if you have the inkling that it’s necessary, it’s probably the only option.

This is not to say everyone who drops trough in your presence is someone you’ll want to reel in and bring home to mom. Realistically, not every intimate encounter is with someone you’re gaga over. We’re not saints.

Being attentive and thorough is not directly connected to your emotional involvement. It’s basic sexual respect for the other person’s experience.

Keep in mind that pleasuring someone has nothing to do with you. It is a completely selfless act, unless you really enjoy it, as some do. That is icing.

It’s not about you showing off your tornado move. It’s not about bragging to your friends the next day. It’s not about adding on to your resume. They don’t “owe you one” afterward, although that is pretty standard procedure. It’s not about you.

Acknowledging this will allow you to put the focus on them and hopefully care about their involvement. The best lovers know how to do this. They don’t spend hours scouring blowjob blogs for pointers and think they’ve done their part.

If you really want to perform well, you spend time on an individual basis, giving and learning. Again, why make something so simple so complex?

Look on the bright side. If you get a handle on that, you won’t have any qualms about a pile of leftover screws.

Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at

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