Remember the lame guy on that MTV show whose dream it was to get calf implants? Were you inspired to get calf implants of your own?
Well, let me tell you a secret. During the summer, I biked approximately 70 miles a day (OK, so it was probably closer to one mile).
Anyway, it felt like 70 miles. Over a period of two months, my number two pencil legs turned into massive Hulkified legs. Not too sexy. But pretty intimidating. As I rode through the city, I watched people’s eyes fixating on my calves of iron. They weren’t ogling them….no, they were horrified of them.
Their mouths opened as if they were about to scream, but no sound came out. My calves, once as breakable as a toothpick, were bulging boulders of muscle. I can’t say I didn’t like them.
I felt powerful.
If I had been walking around the Badlands of Philly, I wouldn’t feel the least bit scared. I imagined being accosted by some gun-toting misanthrope and kicking his butt far away to another solar system. Just imagine having calves like that! That’s what I have now. Jealous?
Biking sure can shape your physique…that is, only the lower half of your physique.
While my legs are massive, they are completely out of proportion with the rest of my body. My arms still look like someone wrapped a skeleton up in skin and I’m continually growing a Buddha gut (damn them Doritos!).
My heart and lungs are probably as strong as that of an Olympian, though I should probably quit smoking cigars like a fiend. But my biceps…oh wait, I don’t have any biceps to talk about. Biking has created an evil world.
Why can’t the rest of my body be as in shape as my manly legs? A new bike has to be created in order for me to be able to continue avoiding the gym (it’s been 3 years!). I’ll have to pedal with both my hands and feet in order to achieve maximum fitness. I want biceps the size of my legs, so that when I arm wrestle my 8-year-old nephew, I actually beat him.
OK, maybe I should just suck it up and lift some weights at the gym. Bikes can get you into shape pretty quickly and the exercise you get will make you sleep like a dead baby at night.
But don’t forget about the rest of your body. You can have awesome legs from rigorous riding, but your arms and belly flab might still be flapping in the wind. Nice image to be left with, right?
Ellen Minsavage can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.