Election day is just a few days away and by now we know what the candidates look like, the names of their wives and children, and some of us can even imitate their accents. But a lot of us are still confused about the most important thing: what they stand for. This quiz was designed to make the process of choosing a candidate a wee bit easier. So sharpen your pencils and read on.
1) The writing utensil I am using to take this quiz is…
A. This pen? I invented this pen!
B. A gold-plated Cross pen given to me by my dad as a present when I learned how to spell “Antiballistic Missile Treaty.”
C. A pencil made from recycled wood by the indigenous people of the Brazilian Rain Forest.
2) The military needs…
A. More support, the men of the Navy get blown away… and not in the good way.
B. A lot more money, because the vast Zionist conspiracy that controls this country needs more ammo.
C. To be content with what they already have so we can stop bringing the dominance of American culture to the people of other countries, whether they want it there or not.
3) I think the death penalty is…
A. Fair, the death penalty is proven to be an effective deterrant against violent crime.
B. Absolutely necessary. All morons deserve to die. The Code of Hammurabi even says “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.”
C. Unjust, the death penalty is cruel and biased to hurt the poor, uneducated and minorities.
4) Civil unions or gay marriages are…
A. Something that didn’t work for Ellen Degeneres or Mellissa Ethride. Therefore, it is
not an important issue that deserves the attention of the national government.
B. Not approved by the church and therefore should be illegal.
B. Important and it should be legalized. Gay couples deserve the same right as heterosexual couples.
5) The candidate that I would most like to sleep with is…
A. Al Gore because he’s not just stiff, he’s wooden.
B. George W. Bush… because his father would pick all the sexual positions.
C. Ralph Nader because he’ll want to make love to you as a Grass Roots project.
6) The best college roommate I ever had was…
A. The uppity nerd that helped me with my homework.
B. The one with the best smack.
C. The one that got me universal healthcare.
7) Minimum wage is…
A. A libertarian’s idea of Big Brother controlling our lives.
B. What all college students waste on cheap drugs.
C. What Bush and Gore hope to increase… for themselves.
8) The truth is…
A. Al Gore’s opinion at that moment.
B. Something Bush can’t remember because of “blackouts.”
C. Something that Nader thinks can actually win him an election… ha ha, this is politics buddy.
9) Guns should be…
A. Seen and not heard.
B. Used only by the police, gang members, and children under 12.
C. Only be used by Arnold Schwarzenegger in bad action movies.
10) The Backstreet Boys are…
A. Members of the vast Zionist conspiracy that control Gore.
B. Bush’s coke-snorting frat buddies.
C. Part of the corporate conspiracy that Ralph Nader is battling.
11) Mudslinging is…
A. A term I use to describe family life.
B. A term I use when I have to go with a lower grade of cocaine.
C. Something I do when I lose a case against a corporation.
12) I am taking this quiz because…
A. I’m in the waiting room and I need something to do while my girlfriend gets an abortion.
B. I’m rich, I don’t have to go to work, and I can spend all day taking these stupid quizzes.
D. I’m waiting for the ISO/Green SEA meeting to start, and I need something to do.
HOW TO SCORE:
Count up the number of A’s, B’s and C’s you have and the predominant letter is the candidate you should vote for. If you scored mostly…
A’s – Vice President Al Gore. I have been happy with the Clinton administration for 8 years, and Gore will do a fine job extending his legacy.
B’s – Governor George W. Bush. The whole world should be more like Texas.
C’s – Ralph Nader. I got into a car accident the other day, survived and got out without a scratch because of the seatbelts and airbag in my car. Thank you Ralph Nader.