I have this genius idea. I’m going to get a very, very small dog and name it Nicolette Sheridan. If I lose it, I can post signs that say “Lost: Nicolette Sheridan. Reward includes unmarked bills and tiny bottles of airplane booze.” And if the dog has an accident, I can say, “Nicolette Sheridan pooped in the car today!” over cocktails with friend.
Speaking of Friends, Jennifer Aniston has a new one. Worry not, he’s a nobody-for now. He’s costarring with her in Derailed, her steamy new suspense flick with Closer hunk Clive Owen. He’s French, his name is Vincent Cassel and he’s not not not not not not pretty. Not pretty. In no way pretty. Certainly not as pretty as Brad. But who is? Reports say they’re just good buds. Jen needs all she can get right now. Please don’t make me talk about this breakup again. Damn, you bitches can’t get enough of their pain.
Speaking of bitches in pain, I would love to take my dog Nicolette Sheridan to the vet. The nurse would call out, “Nicolette Sheridan?” in the waiting room and everyone would look around wildly. Hehe.
Guess who has promise rings? Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi.Yep. I hear that they’re by Tiffany. Gold? Platinum? Diamonds? Don’t know. I do know, however, that De Rossi is having a tattoo removed. The tattoo? Initials of her former lover. Oy.
All right, kids. Bigger things to talk about. Very big. So big that his management refused to let him present at the Golden Globes. Yep, it’s the incredibly expanding Toby Maguire. Spies saw him at last weeks Sundance Film Festival, and Page Six reports the Spiderman star looking “bloated and bearded” as he took in a Snoop Dogg performance with girlfriend Jen Meyer. Lay off the pies, Toby. You know you’ll be squeezing into that Spidey suit at least once more.
Ever wonder what celebrities are like sitting in VIP booths of exclusive restaurants? Jeffrey Jah, owner of the Lotus flagship in Brazil, is filling in the gaps for you. Lotus is a hot brand worldwide, and Jah is spilling the beans on the celeb clientele. Beans like big drinkers: Joaquin Phoenix and Paris Hilton (surprise, surprise). Jah also reveals that when Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were hitched, they had a tiff in the kitchen and stormed off in separate cars. Although the restaurateur is flapping his jaw, he still considers these patrons pals. He refers to Naomi Campbell as his “friend,” even though she always demands the best seat in the house. Suki-suki now.
What happened to the good old days when you could demand outrageous things, drink to inebriation and still maintain some dignity? Jeffrey Jah, have you no shame?
And what Dirt crumbs shall I leave you with? How about Eva Longoria, the Desperate Housewives beauty and her dirty little secrets? She told MNSBC’s The Scoop that she likes to get a little kinky: being tied up with silk scarves and such. She says that submission is the sexiest. No wonder the elusive *NSYNC reunion is on hold-JC Chasez is probably strapped to a bed somewhere on Wisteria Lane.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at email@example.com.