Check out letters to the editor, Dirtlings, the tax exempt terrorism continues! Still, no time for PETAphiles, because it’s the Dirt: I Heart NY Edition!
Work. I managed a two-day stint in the Big Apple last week despite midterms and all other pressing responsibility that pales in comparison to overpriced drinks and celebrity sightings!
Dining at Da Silvano I encountered a very friendly Thom Felicia (one of the Queer Eye children) having drinks with an UHH (Unidentified Hot Heterosexual man). The UHH couldn’t find adequate parking for his silver Corvette and figured his dining companion would have sufficient pull – sure enough, the maitre d’ let UHH park his baby on the sidewalk in front of outside diners.
All this status made me anxious and I excused myself to the bathroom. Long lines made me desperate to Nicolette Sheridan proportions and I cut in front of a weathered-looking man in a weathered-looking jacket. Thank God for a dinner partner 20 years older than me-turns out the guy was Huey Lewis. Yeah, like, Huey Lewis and The News. Like, The Power of Love. Random.
After dinner it was Bar 10 at the Westin Hotel, where I just missed the surly Dennis Leary and his various drunken cohorts. A loose-lipped bartender informed me that Leary was with two attractive women (one likely his assistant because she “picked up the tab”) and was very agitated, telling every bar back and server Leary was “in a big hurry!” Oy.
Next it was Pig n’ Whistle (because it’s our duty to dance on bars with New York City firefighters!) and finishing at Banc where, alas, if any celebrities were there I was too busy searching the bar for my equilibrium.
The next day I forced myself for a quick lunch at Viacom and, while waiting for my security credentials, saw Miss La La -the Direct Effect hostess and all-around MTV VJ vixen.
La La was looking lovely – if not suspiciously thinner than the last time I saw her, which was two days before, on television – but we all know the camera adds 10 pounds. And three chins? And that entire section from the back of her thighs that seems to be missing?
I’m not saying, kids. I’m just seeing.
After lunch I mustered the strength to go all the way uptown to Nickel Spa … and made it half a block to the Virgin Megastore where I read magazines and drank coffee until it was time to go see The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. special guest Bill O’Reilly was 6 feet and 4 inches of bitterness – with about six pounds of makeup on.
Not the best remedy for a hangover. A farewell dinner of gourmet pizza and three bottles of Pellegrino (the last of which I drank in the fetal position) at Da Ciro saw me back on the train and ushered me away from a land where bar tabs and media are both mass and, well, delicious.
Did you think that was it? Wrong! My editor still needs 40 words or I get locked in a metal cage beneath the copy desk!
Madonna also hit NYC last week, blazing children with her new single “Hung Up.” Not only did Madge become the second artist in history allowed to sample an Abba track, but survey says this album (Confessions On A Dancefloor) will be H. U. G. E.
Maddy hit hotspots like MisShapes and The Roxy to parlay in DJ booths and switch hips with club goers. Always remember, readers, you’re never too big to take it back to the disco and make them earn their cover charge.
Deliciously ridiculous quote of the week: “I’d like to do a book of my … things … my beautiful things,” said Barbara Streisand to Ellen DeGeneres of her future ambitions.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.