I am sick and no one cares. No really. Not my mother, friends, editor or designer. Everyone else seems to fancy themselves sick-they have not a clue to the SARSWestNileBirdFlu that infests the bag of sickness that is my body right now. But, that’s fine. All I’m here for is the Dirt, and Dirt I shall give you-until it hurts.
Jack Osbourne once again appears almost-naked within the pages of Cosmopolitan. Lord help us. He’s more buffed and puffed than when we last saw that recovering honey-glazed ham on the groundbreaking MTV reality series The Osbournes.
Maybe sister Kelly took all the excess pounds. Lord knows she’s looking like one of the floats we’ll see paraded down the Parkway come two weeks at turkey time.
Speaking of turkeys, what about the absolute bomb of Get Rich or Die Tryin’? Let’s see how many puns I can do: Get Rich Dead Broke, All This Movie Really Made Was a Lil’ Bit, The Candy Flop, 9 Bullets to the Box Office. How fun is that?
Ever tell one of those lies that just snowballs? What about one of those lies that wakes up choking on its own vomit? Kathleen Turner, that smoky-voiced Old Hollywood vixen, lied about being stricken with alcoholism to get better parts. It turns out the 51-year-old (I’ll be the judge of that) beauty was trying to hide her real affliction of rheumatoid arthritis. Ain’t it the truth, though? Have alcoholism and you’re a diva, have arthritis and you’re in diapers.
Talk about being hung up. Paris Hilton has allegedly been crank calling Nicole Richie for weeks now.
“Nicole doesn’t have proof, but she’s almost sure it’s Paris,” a source told MSNBC’s The Scoop. Ladies, let’s be civil. Can’t we go back to the days when we were slamming each other in the tabloids and getting each other kicked out of hotspots? How fast they grow up.
Al Reynolds and Star Jones celebrate one year of marriage. Coincidentally, I just celebrated my one year anniversary of marriage to Nadia Stadnyicki. We’re so happy … the key to our marriage is sharing sweaters and hair product. No doubt the cornerstone for Star and Al.
Whisper, whisper, whisper down the lane. I’ve got a new hot coupling for ya’ll: Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. Yeah, I know, I’m just shoving anything down the pipe now. But seriously, kids, a reliable source promises they’ve been canoodling.
Big winner of the week: Mariah Carey. Girlfriend won, like, every award possible (we’re talking Best Person in Aisle 1, Seat 4) at the Vibe awards.
“If they want to say ‘comeback,’ that’s cool, [but] I’ve been making music my whole life. I started singing when I was four years old. I will make music forever; that’s what I do,” Carey said in regard to her critics. Up next, look for a repacked version of The Emancipation of Mimi including four new tracks (among them the surprise chart-topper “Don’t Forget About Us”).
Casting, casting, casting: I just can’t seem to get Sarah Michelle Gellar off my desk these days. The petite beauty has just signed up for a heavyweight ensemble titled The Air I Breathe with the likes of Kevin Bacon, Ken Watanabe and Diego Luna.
The film follows an ancient Chinese proverb weaving together four basic emotions: happiness, sorrow, pleasure and love. Deep. Peace, love and Dirt.
Matt Donnelly can be reached at DirtTheFragrance@yahoo.com.