1. Out: Energy drinks – We lost you at Pimpjuice.
In: Coffee – It’s time to subscribe to “Jacked and the Coffee Beanstalk.”
2. Out: “Jawn” – Will Smith used this Philly word on a ’96 episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Three episodes later, the show was canceled. ‘Nuff said.
In: “Brah” – Used as in: “Yo brah, we’re out of Ovaltine.” “For real, brah? Darn, brah.”
3. Out: Republicans – Not a good time to be an elephant.
In: Democrats – Winning both houses under the “We’re not Republican” platform, Democrats can afford to rent one out as a beach timeshare.
4. Out: Dance clubs –
OK, we just suck at dancing
In: Hookah bars – We suck here too.
5. Out: Britney Spears – Well, at least part of her is out.
In: Underwear – Almost everybody is doing it. Almost.
6. Out: Facebook – Users of this site can leave their binoculars at home.
In: Facebook – We’re all voyeurs at heart.
7. Out: “Fabulous” – Fashion gurus and worldly snots have exclusive rights on the word.
In: Plaid – It’s, like, the new polka dot. So fabulous.
8. Out: Hollywood – Name
three good movies this year.
And, no, “Jackass: Number Two” does not count.
In: Left foot – Now shake it all about.
9. Out: Chuck Norris jokes – Using no hands
or roundhouse kicks, Chuck Norris killed his career.
In: Pirates and ninjas – The most lethal duo since Tango and Cash.
10. Out: Skateboards – Four wheels and still slower than a bike.
In: Bikes – Cops can’t pull you over for drunk riding, right?
11. Out: Geriatric rockers – Breaking more discs than selling them.
In: Geriatric boxers – At least in the ring, Rocky Balboa can’t die in his sleep.
12. Out: Wide-leg jeans – Unless you have wide legs, this is not cool.
In: Skinny jeans – The alternative to painting yourself denim.
13. Out: Eagles – One word –
P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S … PHILLIES!
In: Phillies – The boys of
summer can’t come soon enough.
14.Out: Celebrity babies – Not even eight-months-old and we already hate Suri and Shiloh.
In: Athlete babies – T.O. and his
Dallas Cowboys have the playoffs in their sights.
15. Out: Text-messaging – Carpal tunnel might have grandma writing with her teeth.
In: Bluetooth headsets – It makes monologic homeless people seem less crazy.
16. Out: O.J. Simpson – “What’s not to like?” you ask. Find out in his tell-all book “If I Was the Most Hated Man Alive.”
In: A.J. Feeley – With Jeff Garcia as the
alternative, A.J. Feeley will be in soon enough.
17. Out: Kramer’s standup career –
It lasted all of three months.
In: Mustache Day – For one brilliant day of promotion we got to be Fran Dunphy. Thank you.
18. Out: Justin Timberlake – Please, take SexyBack.
In: Clay Aiken – After the lamest daytime television fiasco, expect Aiken to
rebound and have a breakout year from his closet.
19. Out: Terrorists – Making the
American list for a record sixth
In: Campus Police – Promising another entertaining year of the Crime Report.
20. Out: Commercials – Perhaps
the most humorless year of commercials
In: Primetime product placement –
TV execs: “You’re gonna look at our ads and you’re gonna like it.”
21. Out: Tailgating for sport games –
Drunks always lose battles with the pavement.
In: Camping out for video-game consoles – Get there early and you can say, ‘I got me some.’
22. Out: Goatees – What are you – a genie? Well, then our first wish is for you to cut that growth hanging from your chin.
In: Scruff – Deep down inside, girls still like it.
23. Out: High fives – It just takes
more coordination than men can
In: Low fives – Less effort and less risk of pulling a deltoid.
24. Out: Keg stands – Boozers find out it’s easier to just tip the keg on its side.
In: Mojitos – Minty delicious drinks are still no substitute for brushing one’s teeth, especially after decorating bathroom tile with vomit.
25. Out: The Temple Times –
Alliteration aside, this PR publication mistakes uncritical propaganda for the campus pulse. See ‘Commercials.’
In: The Temple News – Looking good at 85-years-young.