DROPPING THE BALL

1. Out: Energy drinks – We lost you at Pimpjuice.

In: Coffee – It’s time to subscribe to “Jacked and the Coffee Beanstalk.”

2. Out: “Jawn” – Will Smith used this Philly word on a ’96 episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.” Three episodes later, the show was canceled. ‘Nuff said.

In: “Brah” – Used as in: “Yo brah, we’re out of Ovaltine.” “For real, brah? Darn, brah.”

3. Out: Republicans – Not a good time to be an elephant.

In: Democrats – Winning both houses under the “We’re not Republican” platform, Democrats can afford to rent one out as a beach timeshare.

4. Out: Dance clubs –
OK, we just suck at dancing

In: Hookah bars – We suck here too.

5. Out: Britney Spears – Well, at least part of her is out.

In: Underwear – Almost everybody is doing it. Almost.

6. Out: Facebook – Users of this site can leave their binoculars at home.

In: Facebook – We’re all voyeurs at heart.

7. Out: “Fabulous” – Fashion gurus and worldly snots have exclusive rights on the word.

In: Plaid – It’s, like, the new polka dot. So fabulous.

8. Out: Hollywood – Name
three good movies this year.

And, no, “Jackass: Number Two” does not count.

In: Left foot – Now shake it all about.

9. Out: Chuck Norris jokes – Using no hands
or roundhouse kicks, Chuck Norris killed his career.

In: Pirates and ninjas – The most lethal duo since Tango and Cash.

10. Out: Skateboards – Four wheels and still slower than a bike.

In: Bikes – Cops can’t pull you over for drunk riding, right?

11. Out: Geriatric rockers – Breaking more discs than selling them.

In: Geriatric boxers – At least in the ring, Rocky Balboa can’t die in his sleep.

12. Out: Wide-leg jeans – Unless you have wide legs, this is not cool.

In: Skinny jeans – The alternative to painting yourself denim.

13. Out: Eagles – One word –
P-H-I-L-L-I-E-S … PHILLIES!

In: Phillies – The boys of
summer can’t come soon enough.

14.Out: Celebrity babies – Not even eight-months-old and we already hate Suri and Shiloh.

In: Athlete babies – T.O. and his
Dallas Cowboys have the playoffs in their sights.

15. Out: Text-messaging – Carpal tunnel might have grandma writing with her teeth.

In: Bluetooth headsets – It makes monologic homeless people seem less crazy.

16. Out: O.J. Simpson – “What’s not to like?” you ask. Find out in his tell-all book “If I Was the Most Hated Man Alive.”

In: A.J. Feeley – With Jeff Garcia as the
alternative, A.J. Feeley will be in soon enough.

17. Out: Kramer’s standup career –
It lasted all of three months.

In: Mustache Day – For one brilliant day of promotion we got to be Fran Dunphy. Thank you.

18. Out: Justin Timberlake – Please, take SexyBack.
Now go.

In: Clay Aiken – After the lamest daytime television fiasco, expect Aiken to
rebound and have a breakout year from his closet.

19. Out: Terrorists – Making the
American list for a record sixth
consecutive year.

In: Campus Police – Promising another entertaining year of the Crime Report.

20. Out: Commercials – Perhaps
the most humorless year of commercials
ever.

In: Primetime product placement –
TV execs: “You’re gonna look at our ads and you’re gonna like it.”

21. Out: Tailgating for sport games –
Drunks always lose battles with the pavement.

In: Camping out for video-game consoles – Get there early and you can say, ‘I got me some.’

22. Out: Goatees – What are you – a genie? Well, then our first wish is for you to cut that growth hanging from your chin.

In: Scruff – Deep down inside, girls still like it.

23. Out: High fives – It just takes
more coordination than men can
currently handle.

In: Low fives – Less effort and less risk of pulling a deltoid.

24. Out: Keg stands – Boozers find out it’s easier to just tip the keg on its side.

In: Mojitos – Minty delicious drinks are still no substitute for brushing one’s teeth, especially after decorating bathroom tile with vomit.

25. Out: The Temple Times –

Alliteration aside, this PR publication mistakes uncritical propaganda for the campus pulse. See ‘Commercials.’

In: The Temple News – Looking good at 85-years-young.

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