Perhaps – and I’m going out on a limb here – you’ve heard of the significance of Feb. 14. If not I’ll refresh your memory:
It’s the first day pitchers and catchers for several baseball teams report to spring training.
The Phillies will be heading down to sunny Florida, leaving behind the remnants of winter to do something I would easily give a testicle (maybe both) to be going with them. My beloved Mets pitchers report only two days after that.
Yes, Feb.14 is a glorious day – unless, of course, you have a significant other who cares about Valentine’s Day. What matters is that one of the people involved
in the relationship will care immensely about the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day and the other will rue the fact they have to put thought into a day created by greeting card companies. Do I sound bitter?
Well, I am. I’m the one avoiding the day, while my girlfriend is the one saying, “I hope we do something nice for Valentine’s
Day. It’s coming up, you know.”
Then, because she knows how pathetic my romantic side is, she’ll follow that up with “Just kidding, I don’t care about it.”
And that folks is a lie, a filthy lie. Most girls want a Valentine’s Day that they can tell their grandchildren about. They want to be surprised at work with flowers and stuffed animals, then led upstairs by a trail of rose petals to a tub filled with aromatic bubble bath, after which they will receive a sensual massage and maybe a happy ending.
I can’t promise anything besides the ensuing disappointment felt by most women. But not all women have their head in the clouds.“I can’t grasp the concept of a day devoted to love,” said Nicole Harrow, a senior journalism major.
“I think it has become focused on spending too much money.”
For those unlucky souls burdened in relationship, I’ve come up with a handy guide to Valentine’s Day gift-giving and receiving. This is, of course, the ultimate truth.
If you’ve been dating for:
You’ll give: a box of chocolates and a nice Hallmark card. You’re a good guy like that.
You’ll get: the chocolates back. She’s watching her weight, dude.
You’ll give: a dozen long-stemmed roses. Roses are like Spanish Fly for women. I know this.
You’ll get: “Point Break” on DVD, lovingly selected from the $5 bin at Wal-Mart. At least she didn’t get you the VHS copy.
You’ll give: a gift bag full of fragrances and body lotions, with a dumb stuffed animal attached to it. This gift must be from a fancy store or she’ll know you don’t love her. Include some romantic DVDs, which make girls melt. Again, I know this.
You’ll get: to watch the DVDs. Once done watching some sappy garbage, pop in “Point Break.”
You’ll give: a fancy dinner for two at the best restaurant in town – VIP seating, the works.
You’ll get: VIP treatment to all private members hanging out downtown.
You’ll give: a nice necklace from a reputable jewelry store. Make sure it’s from Jared the Galleria of Jewelry. Her family will disown you if it’s not.
You’ll get: a flamboyant sweater her dear old Nana knitted you and perhaps a baseball cap of your least favorite team. They don’t match, but you’re stuck wearing them on your next date. Tough luck, bro.
You’ll give: a nice, romantic vacation to a Caribbean island. Of course, you’ll get the lovers’ suite. And, you know, maybe something else.
You’ll get: access to a specific part of your girlfriend’s body, which had previously been off-limits. You’ll think it’s neat, until it takes you three years to pay off the bill.
You’ll give: a ring. There’s no way out of it now.
You’ll get: a fatter, more obnoxious significant other than you originally had. You must have given her a ring with magical power because she’s a completely different person now – fatter, like I said, and more obnoxious. Definitely.
You’ll give: false hope of a Porsche, but since you can’t even afford a 1988 Toyota Camry, you’ll settle for a used vacuum off of craigslist. It’s a subtle hint, and one that may lead her to realize her full housecleaning potential.
You’ll get: a divorce. Oh well, it’s a chance to start this whole Valentine’s Day gift-giving charade all over again.
Mike Gleeson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.