Every year I go to a Halloween party packed with Jack Sparrows, The Crows and pimps.
I end up striking a conversation with a naughty schoolgirl or naughty police officer and – until now – I’ve always held my tongue.
I get it. Some costumes are more popular than others. But originality is to be appreciated, and the usual crowd that seems to be at every Halloween party clearly hasn’t gotten the message: Their costumes are painfully unoriginal.
The Crow: If it isn’t an emo kid with severe emotional issues dressed as this classic trench-coat-wearing character, it’s a lonely, attention-deprived goth kid with severe emotional issues. The difference between the two is the emo kid will use an acoustic guitar instead of an electric to write you a love song.
You can usually find this depressed little guy in the back of a party, sitting by himself, listening to Marilyn Manson or A.F.I. on his headphones. What this costumed crusader needs to know is that just because someone approaches you at a party, it doesn’t mean anyone wants to hear about your pessimistic outlook on this dark, gloomy ride we call life. Save it for your weekly Twilight screening, and drink your beer.
The Pimp: As funny as it is to see a frail, skinny freshman show up to a party with a big purple hat, pimp coat, chalice and absolutely no female accompaniment, it’s clear the person under the coat couldn’t think of anything better. He’s often found trying to dance with any female close by until he is kindly asked to leave them alone, at which point he’ll proceed to fill his chalice with light beer and resume his attempts at hitting on girls for the rest of the evening. But just because you think you’re a pimp for a night doesn’t mean you can call any girl your “ho.”
The Jack Sparrow: This opportunist has figured that since Johnny Depp isn’t around to date every Temple female, the ladies will easily settle for the next-best thing. As far as this guy is concerned, all he needs is some eye makeup, fake dreads and puffy shirt for the girls to come crawling at his feet. Normally found at the bar, he’ll be serving shots of rum while trying to sing pirate songs, hoping to meet that night’s Keira Knightley. Jack Sparrow imitators: You are not Hollywood hunks, and you are certainly not Johnny Depp. Tone it down a notch.
The “Naughty” Specialists: I apologize ahead of time for hitting on you in my Michael-Jackson-from-Thriller costume. I’m sure there will be a lot of us this year.
So, I beg everyone to think before going out this Halloween. You’ve been given enlightenment on what most have been thinking about your costumes for the past few years. Ditch the conventional costumes, and at least try to be innovative.
Andrew Alexander can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.