Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You know that kid who always complains about class right before the professor shows up? You know, that one really annoying person who acts like they know how to teach, are so much smarter then the professor, and always know some way of doing things better? Still don’t know who I’m talking about, Scorpio? Well, that’s cuz it’s you! Chill out and take notes this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Faced by a tough choice this weekend? Your ambivalence on the issue is completely understandable, but perhaps you should reassess your options. Though it might not be quite what you are looking for, a new and exciting third choice may be the answer to your quandary. So, look close and look hard, Sagittarius, because sometimes what you need most is what you’d expect the least.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Getting your ear chewed off by some loved crazed pal who’s in a marvelous new relationship? I bet it makes you miss you ex, right? Well, get off that trip ASAP, Capricorn! You’re 100% better off without that two-timing, back-stabbing punk. Stay cool and don’t dwell on the past.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Well, now that spring registration is closing, you’d better make sure that you’re happy with the classes you’ve chosen. What’s that, Aquarius? You’re taking Chemistry 51? Oh, my god! Drop that class right away! I don’t care if it’s core! It is by far the worst class available in America today, with the possible exception of Surviving a Bear Mauling 101. You should seriously reconsider.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Roommates are just about the worst thing in the world, right? Always leaving lights on, leaving shaving scum in the sink, peeing on the floor, stealing your beer and your girlfriend; is nothing sacred to these unholy space invaders? As much as I wish it were otherwise, you know you need them to help with the rent, so all I can say is be as patient as you can, and try not to countdown the days until your lease is up.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
It’s time for you to get in touch with the olden days, Aries. You know what I’m talking about: Leaded car fuel, handmade clothing and vinyl records. Step outside of your modern creature comforts for the week, and try making something. Your mind is growing dull and weary now that the semester is in full swing. An antiquated craft project is just the thing for a quick recharge.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
After the great month you’ve been having, it just seems like it couldn’t get any better, eh, Taurus? Well, you’d better call Ripley’s, because believe it or not, you’re headed right into another awesome week! I’d tell you not to sweat the small stuff, but knowing you, there’s no small stuff to worry about.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Yearning for the good times and good pals from the past? Well, you’d better get used to being lonely, Gemini. Your amazing capacity for self-centered nihilism and insensitivity knows no ends this week, or any other for that matter. You’d better pull your split personality’s head out of the sand and take a look around before you find yourself alone forever.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
You actually paid to see Matrix Revolutions last week? Well, try not to be so stupid this week, all right, Cancer?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Looking for a little excitement this week ? Well, unlicensed sky diving has never been safer than it is this time of year. And talk about a rush! Well, actually, now that I think about it, that does sound a bit too extreme for you, Leo. Maybe you should just stick to something a bit more down to earth, like a ping pong tournament.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Best fashion accessory ever? Ties! You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. They might seem a bit too classic for your tastes, but then again, what isn’t? Your thirst for modernity has hit overdrive as of late, Virgo. Maybe it’s time for you to take a step back and go for something a little more basic than usual.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Not to seem as if I’m cheating you out of a horoscope by giving you Aquarius’s, but I can’t stress it enough; Chemistry must be avoided at all costs next semester! I figure since the two of you are the most gossipy signs this month, Libra, by next week pretty much everyone in town will know.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com