Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Remember this while you’re wasting your days counting down for the Return of the King: Magneto would mop the floor with Gandalf, and you know it, you orc-loving pimply-faced Tolkinite.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
This week you are going to live the dream. After years of mental training and physical preparation, you are going to teach your friends the score when you go to all of their houses, one at a time, and rip all of their phone books in half.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
While I hesitate to say that The Simpsons would ever lead you astray, I would seriously suggest you consider that job as the shopping mall Santa. Yeah, it might be a bit creepy (Ok, a lot creepy), but look at it this way: You’re in disguise, it’s extra cash and you can finally win the long-standing bet with your dad on who can make the most kids cry in a single day.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
So what’s the only thing worse that Christmas shopping? Nothing, obviously. Think about it? Having your entrails digested by electric eels while watching a Donna Reed marathon might sound worse, but trust me, it’s not. Anyway, the whole point is that it’s time for a revolution in X-Mas gifts, and that revolution is found in art objects. Free, hip and completely non-returnable, the way gifts should be.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Hey Aries, you’re in for a special treat this week! Special guest astrologer L-Train brings your horoscope to you. L-Train says, “You’re week is going to be great. And by great I mean, ‘The loneliest week ever had by a person.’ That is, of course, assuming that someone as heartless as you can be considered a human.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
What’s that I hear? I can’t tell if the sound of a Taurus approaching, or the distant thunder from an oncoming storm of awesomeness. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s probably both. After a whole year of kicking @$$ and taking names, it’s time to kick the rulin’ into high gear for the last month of the Oh-Three.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Well, it was nice to see that you were able to squander your Thanksgiving break so effectively this year. Though, I’m sure it was hard to find time for loved ones, what with all the new undiscovered bars, beds and back alleys of your new lifestyle. You really should get into the habit of living by your word, or you will find yourself living by yourself.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Have you noticed how no one wants to come over and watch Wayne’s World anymore? Maybe that’s because you possess what might be the most gut-wrenchingly, lecherously teeth-shattering, cacklish laugh ever to spring forth from a human body. It makes those around want to cauterize their ears with red-hot 1,300-degree glowing sabers.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
It’s a good thing you got your party on this past week, because now is the time to focus on what is really important. And that thing is more parties. The holiday season is now in full swing. As you find yourself having more time at home to gear up for gift giving, you really should invite your friends and foes over for some Yuletide pre-gaming.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Patience is a virtue, and man all mighty, do you have it in spades! Weenie’s telling ya they’re gonna do things, only to let you down. Do you let that get to you? No way! Keep on keeping on and try not to let the rampant lethargy and irresponsibility of others bring you down this holiday season.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Libra, you really shouldn’t worry about your image as much as you do. There is no need to defend your past friendships and relationships in the face of the crippling insecurities found in those around you. Let those squares deal with their own crap and keep your eyes on the prize
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
I suppose that at times, reading horoscopes might be a bit harsh, but don’t worry about this week, Scorpio. Your week is going to be filled with gumdrops and lollipops. Just keep in mind that the sweetness never tastes good without the bitter, so make sure your as mean as possible to anyone who cops a ‘tude.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com