Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
No matter what anyone tells you, it is not the thought that counts. People might tell you that they like that ugly-as-all-hell H&M clearance rack sweater you got ’em, but secretly, they loathe you and all you stand for because of your poor taste. You’d better spend wisely this year, because your relationships depend on it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Danger, Danger High Voltage! Be careful this winter, because emotions run high, and cabin fever is quick to spread once the snow starts falling. Play it cool, but if that doesn’t work, tell you family to get out of your face. When reason fails you, extreme severity is always the best course of action.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Watch out, girls! Someone gave all those hot and bothered Libras out there the idea that it’s open season on the fairer sex, and their sights are set on you. Remember, if some grease ball is all up in your sector lookin’ for play, just tell him, “My body’s nobodies body but mine.” Or mace that Mofo, what ever gets the job done.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
You’d better make the most of your time off this winter, because school is never easy in the spring. Especially with your inability to function in a scholastic environment. I’m amazed you’re actually still here reading this paper after the way your classes schooled you this semester.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
The coolest part of winter? Snowballs with ice in the middle! Don’t let those weenies in your ‘hood get the jump. Hurl the ol’ December Special their way and watch the tears freeze to their face. (It should be stated that the Temple News does not condone violence in any form, but sometimes you just gotta step up.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yo, yo, yo! T-Dogz are all around your sucka zone! Other signs might think they can drop science like bombs, but everyone knows that Taurus is the zodiac with the command sequence for good times, good tunes and over all awesomeness. This winter will be an epic season of rulin’ for the Taurus camp, so get out there and let the world have it.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
The only thing colder than the weather this winter is your cold, frozen heart. Your cruel insensitivity has made love the most scathing four-letter word of all. This year, coal would be too good a gift for someone whose soul is so vacant. Warm up and see the light or spend the holidays wondering exactly when your life turned into Lonely Fest 2004.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Now that your wounds are healed, it’s time to work those pipes like never before! Get out there and socialize. Leave no social option undiscovered. Who knows where you’ll find your soul mate? A bowling alley, a criminal detention facility, newly single individuals waiting to be let into divorce proceedings: there is nowhere you shouldn’t look for love.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Ok, I’ll just go ahead and tell you the one gift you can’t go wrong with this holiday season. An iPod with the entire Tom Jones recorded catalogue already uploaded. For those Leos wishing to bestow such a bounty upon local astrologers, please contact the Temple News for forwarding information.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Do you ever think that maybe you shouldn’t take the words of fictional characters that seriously? I mean, when you hear someone like Ziggy Stardust talk about spiders on Mars and crazy crap like that, you don’t take it to heart do you? Well, maybe you should stop taking all imaginary people at face value. Chances are they aren’t even talking to you.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
All systems are go for love this winter. You’re the man with conversation skills and hundred dolla bills. One look in your direction is all it’s gonna take this time. Yeah, the ladies might be playing hard to get, but don’t sweat, you’re the chief in the tribe of playas. As for you female Libras, just keep looking ahead this winter. It’ll work out for you, or something like that…
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
This holiday season, you might feel like life has lost a bit of it’s luster, that somehow, the energy and enthusiasm of your youth has somehow sliped away. But as you find yourself pining away for those long forgotten thrills of your first curse word and not remebering your weekend, remember that sometimes fun is merely a matter of finding it.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org