Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This week is gonna be a rough one for you, Aquarius. Creeps are going to be up in your sector, trying to cramp your style. I think the best way to deal with it would be to get two of those big American Gladiator Q-Tip lookin’ things and just go at it. Oh, and no pads!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
So, the other night I was making dinner and the thought struck me, “If I invited all of the meanest Pisces over for dinner, I still wouldn’t have enough jerk in the room to equal one Gemini.” I guess you’ll always be second best, Pisces.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
I think all this brouhaha about the Super Bowl half time show is a real shame. I mean, men and women undressing each other on stage!? I remember when football used to be about the homo-eroticism…Anyway, don’t forget about the past as you’re making plans for the future this week, Aries.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
So, two Taurusi walk into a bar, and one says to the other, “Man, you are the coolest.” Then the other Taurus says, “No way, you are the coolest.” And, well, since they are both Taurusi, they’re both right. Keep on holdin’ it down this week.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
You’re the kind of sign that gets caught breaking someone’s heart and has the chutzpa to call it a “wardrobe malfunction.” Maybe the time has come for you to finally own up and take responsibly for your actions. Sometimes honesty is better than all the wool you’ve been trying to pull.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Hey, Cancer! Do you know what the hell is up with the music section this week!? I mean, MxPx? What is this, the Boyertown Area Jr. High School paper from, like, ’97? Maybe they’ll do a piece on the Toadies next week…And where the hell is all the hip-hop!?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
I think that standing up for yourself is way overrated. This is the week when you should let people walk all over you. Who needs respect when you can be used as a means to an end, know what I’m saying?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
The other day at the mall, I actually heard someone yell down the promenade, “Holla at a Playa,” and I couldn’t help but think that it was a Virgo, crying out for attention. You’ve been trying a bit to hard to get noticed lately. Take it easy this week, all right?
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Do you remember the other day, when you were talking to that guy? You know, about that thing? Well, it turns out that you were right, but he still got away with your car, your money and your favorite jeans! Man, life is harsh, but don’t let it get you down this week.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
So, your band doesn’t even have instruments to play on or a mic to sing with, while that shulb from Blue’s Clues gets to make an album with The Flaming Lips? Yeah, it’s frustrating, but hang in there. You’ll get a mic eventually.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
I once got a Friendster message from some kid in Malaysia, who didn’t even know how to speak English. He kept calling me “severance package.” That was weird, but not as weird as the week you’re about have. You’ll know what I’m talking about when it happens…
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
If the weekend is a sea of electric light, would that make you captain of the Trans-Atlantic Day Glow Fun Time Ship? Perhaps, if only you’d get out once in a while. Be cool and forget the homework this weekend.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.