Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
So when you’re out this week and some sleaze wad tries to get fresh, remember to just tell ’em, “Hey! My body’s nobody’s body but mine.” Consonance always confuses the wretched.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
I’m not quite sure how to tell you this, but…eh, well, do you remember that girl you met over Spring Break? Let’s just say that this week you finally find out why everyone was calling her, “Polyps.” Be a bit more careful next year, all right?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Well, Taurus, you never cease to amaze with your incredibly virile social skills and unimaginable depths of sage like insight. After a week of setting the bar for Spring Break good times, you’re up for another week of intense rulage.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Watch out, Gemini, because turning towards old friends for help coping this week is a big mistake. Well, actually, the big mistake was blowing them off, treating them as though they were simply worthless cogs in the didactic, pungent, deplorable machinery that is your existence. It’s just that this week they call you on it and you know there’s nothing you hate more than being told what a tool you are.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
I think that it’s time that you stop trying to hide your emotions, Cancer. You’re like that nerdy kid in high school that could never tell girls how he felt so he would spend all weekend making sappy emoed out mix tapes. Loosen up and just let it out this week
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
So, this week, you should make sure you watch that kiss ass Shark Vs. Croc show on the Discovery Channel, because, let’s face it, what’s cooler than seeing a Great White make boots out those filthy swamp dwelling reptiles? …Wait? What was that, Leo?…Oh, don’t even try to tell me you have something better to do. We both know what a shark-loving loser you are.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
I don’t care what anyone says, Egon is the lamest Ghostbuster. He’s a completely redundant and useless composite from a strictly literary/narrative point of view. The only reason I’m telling you this is because you need to make sure that you don’t fall into the same rut this week, Virgo. Try to be indispensable or else you’ll start to be called, “The Geeky One.”
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Sometimes being the black sheep is difficult, but don’t give in, Libra. Everyone knows where there’s black sheep, there an awesome Black Ops, and that’s what you should be planing this week. Plot and plunder and then, when the time is right…well, we’ll save that for next week, ok?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
So, I scored this sweet toy scorpion over spring break, and I can’t help but think of you when I see it: stinger poised to poison and ruin the lives and feet of those around you. Try to not be so destructive this week, all right?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
So, what do you think of this whole e-mail stamp idea? Paying for e-mail, can you believe it!? The only thing lamer than that is your week, that’s for sure. Hopefully you’ll find some good times before you have to pay to e-mail your friends about it…But I wouldn’t count on it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
After being tricked by the warm weather last week, I hope that you learned you lesson Capricorn. That lesson is that Mother Nature is a harsh unforgiving mistress who can not be trusted…Sorta like a Gemini, now that I think about. Stay inside and away from both of them this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
I know how bummed you are, but don’t worry. The rest of the 24 season will be on soon and then the wallowing can cease. Hang in there, Aquarius.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com