Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
April is not going to be good. Hay fever is in full swing, and you don’t have a prescription.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yeah, it looks like it’s gonna be another great week for you. Especially this Wednesday…You’ll know why when it happens.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Hey, Gemini, I’m sorry about all the bust horoscopes you’ve been getting…(wait for it)…APRIL FOOLS!
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
If you get off to the right start, spring is gonna be great. But you have to start living now. Forget class on the next nice day. You should totally skip.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Man, that hotel on 24 is sooo dead! But that’s still not as bad as your week.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
So, The Darkness is coming to town this week, but the way you’ve been acting, gloom and doom seem to have been par for the course.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
You should look out for your friends. They are weird bizarros, and they get bummed when the weather gets warm. Try to cheer someone up.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
My toy scorpion is still livin’ large, just as you should be this week. School’s almost out, so why not relax and just enjoy the city this week?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
AH! Group projects are super lame! Make sure you’re pulling your weight this week.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Condi may be getting ready to testify, but you’d better learn to keep your mouth shut. Voices carry, so hold your tongue this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
The Rock’s in Walking Tall this week. You should drive up 95 and scope out the sweet double tall billboard they’ve put up for it. Almost as cool as your week’s gonna be!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Make sure you take the time to do things right this week. Don’t slack and write notes where there should be a whole essay. Get what I’m saying?