Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
So, you think spring is in the air, do ya? Well, you’d better watch out because nature is a harsh mistress and can stab you in the back with a cold spell and not think twice about it! Don’t count on anyone this week, Aries, because you never can tell what they’ll do next.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Squares crampin’ your style this week? Eh, they’re just jealous, and they know it. It’s not easy sharing the Zodiac with a sign of such high rulage. Let the haters be haters, Taurus, because you’re really above all that.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Before you turn your impeccable and consummate ability to judge toward those in your life, take a look at yourself. With all your inebriation, indiscretion and inaction, are you really one to talk this week, Gemini?
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
The eternal dilemma of spring: Wear a jacket with a T-shirt, or simply rock the long sleeves? It’s a hard choice to make, Cancer, but one you must this week.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
So, Harry and the Hendersons was on TV this week, and I don’t care what anyone says, that movie is scary as all hell! Don’t let domestication fool you this week, Leo. There are bloodthirsty invaders at every turn.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
If you round down, Spider-Man 2 is out in two months! Hopefully that good news will help pull you out of the funk you’ve been in, Virgo. Good times are ahead of you, I promise.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Having missed your chance with certain attractive classmates may not be the epic let down you thought it was…I mean, if they had to drop that lame class, were they really worth the effort?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
I think the coolest part about modern design is all the glass, but you have to watch out, Scorpio. While being open, visible and well lit have their place, sometimes privacy is a good thing. Keep it to yourself this week.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Ugh, that nerdy Dr. Drew was all over the Real World this week…Wait! I just admitted to watching it! Damn! That was a mistake…Anyway, Sag, your week is gonna rule, so don’t sweat the next seven days.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
While the weather has been nicer the past few days, never forget the wonders of the indoors, Capricorn. Couches, TV, junk food: They are your friends all year ’round, so don’t leave ’em hanging this spring.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Uh, sorry about not mentioning the clock change last week, Aquarius. I know you are prone to missing it every year. What’s up with farmer’s needing to save daylight anyway! Aren’t there robots that can do their work for them these days…?
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, group project is spelled L-A-M-E! All this learning to work with others is a waste of my time and of yours, Pisces. You work best on your own, so stick with that this week.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.