(Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
So, someone told me to tell Aries to fall off a cliff. While I myself wouldn’t support such drastic action, maybe you should examine the way in which you’ve been acting, and why others would have such a gravitational fate befall you.
(April 20 – May 20)
So, over in the Weekend section, there is this Best of Philly thing, right? Well, it seems like the left out the best thing of all: Being a Taurus! All lights are green on the road towards good times.
(May 21 – Jun. 20)
The worst is when you get caught in your own web of lies, and try to free yourself with guilt trips and name calling. Maybe you should just be left to hang while the venomous spiders of justice devour your pitiful, vice fueled sense of self-righteousness.
(Jun. 21 – July 22)
So, you know that feeling when you look at your hair, and you’re worried that it might look like a mullet, but you can’t really tell because you can’t get a good side view? Well, I’m here to tell you to expect the worst. What you can’t see is always as scary as it seems.
(July 23 – Aug. 22)
Does McDonald’s still use the term, “Supersize?” It’s been a while since I heard it, you know? Anyway, if given the chance this week, Leo, make sure you do supersize, because in your case more is more.
(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
So, now that the semesters almost over, you finally realized that you’re hot for teacher? Well, it’s probably better this way, since the school tends to frown upon mid-semester professorial pursuit.
(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
I think that it’s time you went after what was yours. Some one is horning in on your turf, colluding and conniving their way to the top! This aggression should not stand. Take the fight to their door, and to the victor go the spoils.
(Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
While other more acquiescent signs might need to reign in their partying, you on the other hand need to let loose. Be a wild child! Wear that lamp shade! Be the dance commander. The weekend is almost here, so make the most of it.
(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Remember that old song from the 80’s, the one that goes, “You’re too, shy shy/ Hush hush, eye to eye?” Yeah, I never really liked it that much either, but maybe you should follow the lead.
(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
So, it’s been really crappy outside the last couple of days, but not as crappy as you’ve been! Spread the love, Capricorn! This hard-boiled act doesn’t suit you.
(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
It’s time for you to take some responsibility for your own memories. People are sick and tired of you coming home from parties, needing a run-down of a night that you can’t remember. Try not to party quite so hard. Lay off the Guinness and Jameson.
(Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
So, now that the Pixies are back together, it would seem all is right in the world,…except maybe your week. Hang on tight, because it’s a bumpy one.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com.