Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Let the T-Crew birthdays begin! Though your special day might be almost a month away, every fine young Taurus can look forward to an incredible week for the time being. And for all time, that matter!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
The key word for your week is “jealous.” You are so jealous of H.G. Wells and his awesome time machine because you’re finally realizing all the mistakes you’ve made. Shame you won’t be able to travel back and educate yourself into doing right.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
Ah, spring has sprung and it is time to get lazy. I suggest that you don’t even attend your finals this semester. You’ve taken finals before, right? So, why waste your time doing something twice, you know?
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
There is boring and then there is BORING! No one cares about your lame personal issues. Everyone has an annoying roommate or no money in the bank or crappy hair when it’s humid. Get over it and get something interesting to talk about.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
While some loathe and despise their state of employment, I suggest that you make the most of your current wage-earning situation. While not glamorous, you will find it fits the season nicely.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Don’t you think it’s time you actually worked up the nerve and do something bold? I’m not talking about skipping class or pulling an all-nighter. I mean something really cool and undereducated, like a kiddy pool full of Kool-Aid. Now there’s a sweet idea…
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
So, apparently some dude named John Kerry was in town last week…Yeah, I never heard of him either. Your plans of X-box and Code Red were much cooler. Keep up the casual indifference this week!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
What’s up with you acting all creepy this week? Trying to coerce your friends and family; you’re acting like one of those doctors on The Swan. Lay off and just let people live.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
The worst is when you run out just in time to see the bus fly by. Worse than that? Horoscopes that quote TV theme songs. Don’t be a slave to pop culture! Try to live in reality this week.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
I think that it’s time for you to buckle down and get some work done. The outdoors will always be there (barring some sort of cataclysmic nuclear accident), so just stay in your room and hit the books.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Springtime means only one thing: Extreme Wiffle Ball! It’s like regular Wiffle Ball, but with more assault and battery. Throw the pitch and wait for the Five Oh to arrive-oh! HA!
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
As lame as that joke in the Pisces horoscope is, it’s not as lame as your week’s gonna be. Spring is not a good time for you so far. Maybe it’ll get better, but I doubt it.