Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
So, are you out of that funk yet? Well, you’d better get back in it because drawing attention to yourself this week is a huge no-no! Someone is out to get you, and I’m not talking about hooking you up with some dee-lish Candy Corn. Lay low and play it cool for the next quarter month. Your Choicest Costume: The Invisible Man.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Make sure you look before you leap, and for God’s sake, don’t knock on the door if the lights are out, you little punk! Ending up in situations where you’re not wanted will lead to a great deal of pain, both emotional and physical. Avoid fisticuffs by being extra considerate this week. Your Choicest Costume: Steve Urkell.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You’re usually the bubbly, happy-go-lucky one in your circle, but get ready for a big change. A work related happening (and by that I mean you’re going to be fired) will bring you down. It might be out of character, but there is nothing wrong with being a bit off this week. A little moping and a pillowcase full of candy go a long way in mending wounded spirits. Your Choicest Costume: That one Care Bear who was always in a really crappy mood.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You know you mean well, but gosh darn it! Things just don’t seem to be working out for you. You’re feeling as if you might be missing the point, and, well, quite frankly, you are. Don’t feel bad, we all get a little dumb sometimes. You’re just a little dumber than usual this week. Just relax with a nice box Halloween style Good ‘N’ Plenty’s and you’ll feel a ton better. Your Choicest Costume: Lloyd Christmas.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Man, oh man, it’s gonna be a killer week for you! You’ll be making a bunch of new friends, most of whom smell nice. Bonus! Your happiness this week is an infectious kind, so why not find a nice case of Rasinettes, hand ’em out, and spread the love any way you can. Well, maybe not any way you can, since most Trick or Treaters are minors… Your Choicest Costume: Willy Wonka.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Yeah, it’s a pretty overdone costume, but you’ll be in the mood for some machete-style madness and mayhem when you get home and find out how many of those lame McDonald’s Halloween Gift Certificates you got this year. Remember who was too lame to score you some candy, because now you have an entire year to plan you Mischief Night 2004 Payback. Your Choicest Costume: Jason.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
Want to know the coolest thing to be this Halloween? Look no further than your bathroom mirror, Taurus. But you’re the coolest thing every day of the year, so why not mix it up by going as the second coolest person in the world? Besides, chances are some squares will try to mooch off your cool by dressing as you, anyway. You don’t want to copy those losers, do you? Your Choicest Costume: Batman.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Let’s be honest, shall we? Everyone already thinks you are one, so you might as well give them what they expect, you filthy, broom-riding, tornado-causing, Toto-stealing, curse- casting, toad-killing, wart-nosed, humorless, cloak-clad, Snow White-stalking, back-talking harlot. Oh, I’m sorry, Gemini. Would you like some Bactine because that sounded like it stung! Your Choicest Costume: A Witch.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – July 22)
It’s hard living the double life you have been lately. It’s time for you to open up, and let your friends know the truth. You’ll be surprised how well they take your shocking revelations. To them, your admission will be like biting into a candy cup, expecting peanut butter, but getting nougat instead. Not quite what was expected, but delicious just the same. Your Choicest Costume: Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
It’s time you showed the world who is boss! This Halloween, you hit the same house twice, maybe even thrice. Some lazy shlub doesn’t want to come to the door, so he just leaves a bowl filled with candy on his stoop? You take that bowl. You take the bowl loud and proud, because this Hollow’s Eve, megalomanical objectivistly hedonistic ego-centricism is the best costume accessory. Your
Choicest Costume: William Randolph Hurst.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
No other way to break this to ya than hard. Vampires are real, and they’ve a taste for Virgo blood. Don’t invite anyone into your house, no matter how cool their collection of Transylvanian soil is, capishe? Your Choicest Costume: A Crucifix covered in garlic.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
This is gonna be your season. After the next seven days, people will look at you in a whole new way. Why’s that?
Because this Halloween, you’re rockin’ a two bag, double- fisted candy grab! Trick-or-Treat the hell outta your neighborhood, because you have the potential for some serious haul. Your Choicest Costume: Marlon Brando, the fat and crazy kind.
Bobby Astronomical can be reached at email@example.com.