Madge and Guy finished?

“She was pretty and she was sweet, but she was stupid,” said Karl Lagerfeld of the late Princess Diana. Smack! Look for Mr. Lagerfeld’s “explosive” new interview in New York magazine. Right now, look for

“She was pretty and she was sweet, but she was stupid,” said Karl Lagerfeld of the late Princess Diana. Smack! Look for Mr. Lagerfeld’s “explosive” new interview in New York magazine. Right now, look for some piping hot Dirt, loves!

Yes, yes, the winter weeks drag on and Punxsutawny Phil says we musts bundle for the coming six weeks but screw that furball! Dirt has the stuff that your table dancing, bra-slinging dreams are made of!

Like the total meltdown of Guy Richie and Madonna’s marriage. Reports of the couple’s troubles are leaking faster than James Frey’s literary integrity-and that aint good. Sources say Madonna’s smash album Confessions on a Dancefloor and its subsequent promotion is cause for strain, while some just say Guy’s career has nosedived and he can’t take the competition.

Madge’s longtime mouthpiece Liz Rosenberg barks “her relationship with Guy is quite good. They’re quite happy.”

And I’m quite happy about Madonna on the forthcoming Bazaar magazine cover. Work.

Sightings: Pamela Anderson’s knockers (named Lefty and Poncho) were the stars of last week’s Chinese New Year party over at MAC Cosmetics. Tommy Lee and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas looking snuggly at a Superbowl party.

Lindsay Lohan looking svelte and social at a Fashion Week bash wearing a letter “J” pendant around her neck. A nod to a certain boytoy, maybe?

And lastly, friend of Dirt Robin Antin, Pussycat Dolls creator, lunching and shopping with Miss Paris Hilton. Gorgeous.

Confirmed Celebrity Splits: Denzel and Pauletta Washington, Heather Locklear and Bon Jovi rocker Richie Sambora, and Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong. Perhaps we should start running break-up reports like obituaries next to this column? Those poor Los Angeles county divorce clerks. Do they sleep?

If you keep a secret, I’ll tell what catfighting talk show ladies can’t sleepthey’re too busy choking on bilious hatred for one another. Former daytime queen Rosie O’Donnell has been less-than-subtle with her feelings for The View villain Star Jones.

“Now I only tolerate, a spoonful of crap, instead the normal full plate, pilates my ass,” said a fragment of poetry on O’Donnell’s blog. An obvious reference to Star Jones’ newfound weight loss. Is retaliation on the horizon?

On a sadder note, a gaggle of stars turned out last Saturday to bury Chris Penn, the 40 -year-old younger sibling of A-lister Sean Penn. The deceased was found in his Santa Monica apartment in late January, and early reports listed “natural causes” as responsible for his passing. A small scuffle broke out, according to World Entertainment News Network, when a paparazzo interrupted services.

Family friend and fellow actor Mark Ruffalo reportedly confronted the photographer and removed the memory chip from his camera. A spokesperson for the family denies the incident. The funeral procession included Jack Nicholson, James Gandolfini, Charlie Sheen, Tim Robbins and Robin Wright Penn.

Wacky Christian moralists are having a tiff over Britney Spears’ upcoming appearance on an episode of Will & Grace. NBC released details a week ago that said Spears would play a televangelist and cook on a fictional program called “Cruci-fixins.” Despite being the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, religious groups balking over the possibility of God’s lambs sharing the screen with some heathen queers. What do you expect? Prayer hasn’t done much to save Spears’ career from the garbage disposal. Miss Thing needs a touch of gay to bring her back from the trailer park.

Next Week: Road to the Oscars, and Grammy coverage!

Matt Donnelly can be reached at

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