The investigation into Martha Stewart’s insider trading scandal is not turning out to be “a good thing” for the home improvement maiden.
The Department of Justice, which is leading the investigation, says it has enough evidence to arrest her.
Martha apparently dumped her shares of ImClone stock shortly before the company was denied FDA approval on a developing drug.
Did Martha shred the stock certificates to make a holiday piñata, or is this another example of her greed?
To show their support, fans have created a “Save Martha” Web site, complete with a countdown to the U.S. Attorney’s decision on the investigation.
It also contains a plan of action, which in true Martha fashion is nothing more than a ploy to sell “Save Martha” merchandise, and endorsements from the likes
of Hillary Clinton and Rosie O’Donnell.
If Martha is convicted, she’ll find that her jail cell is pretty drab compared to the pastel-colored mansion.
And with no sharp tools to use, she’ll have trouble making it feel like home.
She can’t even use the products from her poorly made, overpriced K-Mart line.
So, to do my part, I am offering Martha a few tips on how to spruce up the slammer.
Take advantage of meal times.
The cafeteria won’t miss a few knives and forks.
And with the help of a shoelace, those utensils can be tied together to make a beautiful chime, alerting you to the arrival of your favorite guard.
Steal a tray as well.
Combined with a little creativity, you’ll be the envy of the cellblock with a hand-made welcome mat.
Forego your mashed potatoes and vegetables for one night, and sneak it all back to your cell.
Use the adhesive quality of the mashed potatoes to create a design with your favorite legumes that will ensure visitors wipe their feet before entering your prison palace.
When strolling the prison yard, collect some twigs and grass.
Put the “fine” in confinement with a lovely wreath that can be made from twigs and chewing gum.
Also while outside, gather some dirt and a few wildflowers.
With a few simple steps your potty can be transformed into a potter, bringing some color into your cell.
You will probably have a few of your own magazines lying around, so why not make use of them.
Tear the pages into small pieces, and paper mache anything you’d like.
With some padding from your mattress, a few locks of your own hair, and the fabric from a few pillowcases, you could create a doll that can keep you company on lonely nights, or a voodoo doll of the investigators who discovered your little secret.
If convicted, Martha will most likely plea bargain her way out any serious jail time, just like any other criminal with cash.
But her reputation has forever changed from the wholesome, crafty person we see on television, to the overzealous capitalist she really is.
Neither outcome is a “good thing.”
Marea Kasten can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.