In keeping with the Halloween spirit, here is a list of “celebrity” costumes I really hope to see this year. Some are completely obvious; some aren’t.
Dick Cheney with a hunting rifle:
File this one under completely obvious, but come on. Someone has to do it. Dick Cheney masks are readily available at most costume retailers.
You could buy a fake hunting rifle while you’re at it, and wear a sharp suit. It’d be really easy to get into character. Just mumble about oil reserves and point your rifle at anything that isn’t a quail.
You could take this one of two ways. One way will earn you a one-way ticket to Beatdown Street, and the other will make you the delight of all Eagles fans in the city. The first costume would be a standard T.O. uniform, with no changes at all. You could go to parties and talk about how great you are and how you need the ball more often. Warning: People will hate you all night. The other costume would be T.O.D. You could wear an Owens jersey and pop Tic Tacs all night.
Just kidding. I enjoyed the man’s work, for sure, but please don’t do this. Don’t be “that guy.” The last thing I want to see is a bogus Steve Irwin funneling a beer while screaming about hooking up with some freshman. Just let it go.
Any female character from “Degrassi:
the Next Generation”:
I’m begging you girls out there. Guys need not read this section. Please, please somebody go as Manny Santos. We can meet up, maybe hang out a little bit, see where it goes. I won’t tell my girlfriend,
I promise. Just make sure you have a friend who goes by Darcy Edwards.
This would be a great costume.
I’d probably just find you and hit you. I hate Joe Buck.
Debra LaFave, Mary Kay Letourneau or any other teacher arrested for having sex with their students:
This one is a little less obvious, but think of the possibilities. You get to hit on every young-looking single male at every party you go to. Sure, they won’t get it, but you will. Plus, if you look like Debra LaFave, you’re pretty much guaranteed free drinks as long as you stay in character.
Is there even an explanation needed? Bonus points if you wake up and find yourself engaged to Nikki Cox.
Britney Spears, Kevin Federline and the kids:
The perfect white-trash costumes
for white-trash couples. The girl can be Britney, or K-Fed – it doesn’t even matter anymore. You’re assuredly going to be the laughing stock of any gathering. The costumes would be very easy too. Britney can wear hair-curlers and a bell-shaped muumuu. You can wear those baby harnesses and stuff dolls in them, about four to a harness. That’s probably what she would do anyway. K-Fed’s costume is even easier. A wife-beater and a pathetic attempt for facial hair should do. Make sure you flirt with every girl you see behind Britney’s back. You don’t even need to have a character for K-Fed. Just say “yo” all night and nothing else.
Are you a has-been football player? Great, you’re already in costume for this one.
Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton:
Girls, do you have a friend whom you constantly talk about behind her back? Have you ever stolen a man from your friend? Do you enjoy having things in your mouth? If so, you could easily dress up as the moron twins. Just walk around with an air of superiority and hit on every guy you see. This is the female version of the K-Fed costume. Bonus points if you weigh less than 68 pounds, Nicole Richie’s last reported weight.
Where can I begin? This kid is totally awesome. Guys, I promise, if you go as Mike, you will have girls throwing themselves at you all night. Trust me, that’s what I put up with every day. If I have some impersonators on Halloween, maybe the women would finally leave me alone. Probably not. I’m too sweet.
Mike Gleeson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.