I presume most, if not all, of you are familiar with facebook.com. Commonly referred to as just Facebook, the site has become a staple of social networking scenes at the vast majority of stateside colleges. Students can create profiles, which other students can then browse through and add as friends, seemingly so they can keep up with their routines and rituals.
Now that I’ve given you the standard introduction, allow me to interject my opinion: I hate Facebook. I absolutely despise Facebook with every fiber of my being.
I’d even go so far as to say I loathe everybody who uses Facebook on a regular basis; but I can’t say that. If I did, I would have almost no remaining friends.
Why do I hate it? Topping my list is the sheer amount of creeps you will find on the Web site. Most girls who have a profile, regardless of how they look in person, probably have been propositioned several times. It starts out innocently enough, often with a “poke,” which is the Facebook equivalent of grabbing a good-looking woman’s butt as she walks by. The correspondence then intensifies with a series of pokes and messages, culminating in an awkward, developmentally crippling meeting.
Most often this meeting ends with either one of two scenarios: a hook-up complete with premature ejaculation and profound apologies or a deep, soul-connecting friendship because the stalker, usually the initiator, is too timid to make his or her move.
Third, and far more uncommon, is that the two don’t hit it off and part their respective ways. However, due to the fact that everyone’s interests are neatly packaged in their profiles, this is a statistical improbability.
There’s a new feature on Facebook called “News Feed.” I know because my girlfriend (yes, sorry loyal female readers, I’m taken) called me and proceeded to complain about it. She couldn’t believe that I hadn’t checked my fake profile in the last three hours. Apparently Facebook’s interface became more accessible to stalkers with the News Feed. Now there are protests mounting, with Facebook groups springing up left and right, all stating their displeasure with the new interface.
What really grinds my gears about the protest groups, though, is that they seem to enjoy bathing in their own hypocrisy. They’re protesting Facebook using Facebook! Some groups directly address this, but still seem resigned to the fact that the only way they could mobilize is by using the site they are protesting.
How does that possibly make sense to anybody?
Naturally, these highly intelligent people are really looking forward to being the Davids to Facebook’s Goliath. Take for example the three topics up for discussion in the largest protest group “Students against Facebook News Feed”: “abortion” (legitimate discussion, although somebody’s trying to push an agenda), “stereotype the person above you” and “BLACKS CREATED CIVILIZATION WHILE WHITES WERE CAVEPEOPLE.”
That’s some brilliant discourse. You’re really giving the Kent State protesters a run for their money.
You know what? Rather than protesting, why don’t you Facebook junkies just delete your profiles? Have you become so dependent on a Web site that socially cripples people to the point that they have to look for a date online?
If you don’t like its changes and policies, delete your account and take a stand.
Sure, I’m biased; but the new changes, from what I’ve seen, do nothing more than show your friends what you’re doing on Facebook. With the ridiculous amount of time most college students spend on Facebook, I’m sure most of your friends know what you’re up to and who you associate with. So just deal with it. And, if you don’t like it, you can join me in renouncing Facebook and concentrate more on face-to-face relationships.
Mike Gleeson can be reached at email@example.com.