Maybe it’s her net worth of more than $2.5 billion. Maybe it’s her domination of every form of media. Or maybe it’s her ever-changing hair styles.
Whatever the reason, we need to prepare ourselves for a world takeover. And here’s why.
1. THE NAME GAME
Oprah, 54, is one of the few people in the world who can pull off not needing a last name. She joins the prestigious ranks of renowned historical figures like Plato, Hercules and Cher.
When Oprah started in show business at a Baltimore television station, the news director urged the 22-year-old reporter to change her name to Suzy, a friendlier and more memorable moniker.
Oprah resisted. Had she not, we wouldn’t be in this world-takeover predicament. Because, really, have you ever met a Suzy you didn’t like?
2. PROGRAMMING PROGRAMS
Sept. 8, 1986 is the date to credit the beginning of the earth’s downfall. With candor and optimism, Oprah premiered her daytime talk show.
We have many things for which we owe thanks to the talk show. Harpo Productions, for one. Oprah is lucky her name is pronounceable backwards, as this began her domination of American dollars.
And thank goodness Oprah branded the nerves of Texas cattlemen when she said she’d never eat another burger because of mad cow disease. Without that defamation suit, we would have never dreaded – er, been introduced to – Dr. Phil.
A new media outlet and $55 million later, Oprah ventured into radio in 2006 with a new satellite radio station, Oprah & Friends. Reminds you of Garfield cartoons, no?
Not satisfied with an hour on television every day, Oprah will soon be taking over the Discovery Health Channel to create OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. Or, it could be used as, “Oprah is going to OWN you.” Either one.
3. ENDORSING INFLUENCE
For the first time, Oprah decided to publicly endorse a candidate – Sen. Barack Obama. Because of her ability to connect with millions of viewers, readers, listeners and God, some credit the Winf for creating a hefty following for the Illinois senator.
Oprah’s influence is so strong that it leaves Sen. Hillary Clinton in an awkward position. For some uncanny, unexplainable reason, people will do what Oprah does.
Oprah has accompanied Obama on a few rallies, one of which was the largest political event of 2008 with more than 30,000 participants. If Oprah steps foot in Pennsylvania, Clinton might as well get her cheesesteak and pretzel to go.
SO IT GOES…
Baby step by baby step, Oprah is slowly expanding her empire, leading to world domination.
She gave out 276 cars to her studio audience in 2004 – for no apparent reason. She gave Dr. Phil a show – for no apparent reason. On a new ABC time filler, she’s giving money to do-gooders as a prize for their doing random acts of kindness – for no apparent reason.
Our oblivious, brainwashed minds don’t realize that these no-apparent-reason deeds are her stepladder to world ascendancy.
I’m not taking away from the wonderful things Oprah does. Her philanthropic work throughout the world is unmatched and could even be considered revolutionary.
She understands the power she holds. Therefore, I question her intentions.
Perhaps there is a position of world power to be occupied by Oprah in the near future. There are tons of cabinet positions Obama would need filled. And there are still a few spare hours of television she hasn’t yet acquired. Or maybe she’ll become an honorary Supreme Court justice.
Next thing we know, Oprah will be purchasing Google for the heck of it. Rather than fight her, let’s just accept her. Of course, it’s not the best scenario, but it might be better than what we have now.
Just don’t call her Suzy.
Chris Stover can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.