Phallic flatware: Get yours now, lonely lovers

Nothing excites me quite like conversation hearts. I wish I could write an edible column. Wouldn’t life be so much better if you could chow down on some sugary Straight Up Sex? Read it and then pop it in your mouth. That’s what I always say.

The genius of conversation hearts seems to be lost on some people. I was standing in the 5-mile cash out line at CVS the other day listening to my friend gripe about the unreasonable commercial excess attached to Valentine’s Day while I silently question her malice toward a holiday centered around love and affection.

“It’s just so pointless,” she griped. “Like what about everyone else? I don’t understand why we need a day to drive the knife deeper into the hearts of the lonely.”

Ahhhh. Comprendo. I get it. We single folks, whether we’re that way by choice or not, don’t like it rubbed in our face that we’re flying solo.

Personally, I just buy myself candy. I really don’t like anyone as much as I like myself, anyway. If I were dating someone, I’d still buy candy just for me and just write their name on the “FROM:” line. It’s a shame we can’t all be this self-absorbed, isn’t it?

My initial impulse was to help the single crowd come together in a jubilant celebration of their detached-ness. Then I realize that would be reverse discrimination of social couples.

So, I offer to you, all-inclusively, some simple partying suggestions for an otherwise date-oriented evening. I cover this now so that you may have ample time to prepare.

Whenever I need a good dose of liberal creativity I hit up South Street. I visited The Mood and Condom Kingdom for some specific party favor ideas. However, the majority of the merchandise was, duh, rather explicit.

I didn’t want to insinuate that romance-free means erotic free-for-all. Quite simply, Valentine’s Day is about honoring someone in whom you have vested affection and love. That could be plutonic or it could be erotic, or both. You can throw a PG or R-rated party depending on your intentions and your friendship circle. I’ve included both.

To start off, invite people.

PG: It will be cheapest to make your own directions. I always enjoy good-ole doilies and construction paper hearts. If you want a pricier shortcut, try orientaltrading.com. They offer templates and constructed Valentine’s Day cards. A 12-pack costs $6.95.

R: Both The Mood and Condom Kingdom offer phallic tablets and cards between $4.99 and $8.99.

Decorate

PG: Call me old school, but nothing says party like paper chain hearts, some red, pink and white balloons (feel free to add purple), and some candlelight. Onlinediscountmart.com has a variety of candles and decorations at moderate prices.

R: The Mood had much better decorative material. Phallic balloons ($3.99), sipping straws ($7.99), flatware (eight spoons, forks and knives, $5.99), and confetti ($3.99).

On the Menu

PG: For a full dinner, focus on colors. Spaghetti with red sauce, salad with tomatoes and raspberry vinaigrette, chicken parmesan, red nachos with salsa, etc. Get a hold of some heart-shaped cookie cutters and bake some cookies. Colorful icing and sprinkles never hurt anyone, either.

R: Same goes for the erotic party. The Mood and Condom Kingdom carry Penis Pasta ($7.99 per box). There are also anatomically-shaped cake baking pans ($14.99). Edibles not included on the dinner plate are in abundance at The Mood. Employee Gretchen Diehl suggests flavored warming lotion ($4.99). Flavors are named after drinks, including Malibu Screw, Buttery Nipple and Sour Puss, among other things. Give your friends chocolate tattoos with the Body Talk Chocolate Tattoo Set, including stencils and liquid chocolate ($19.99). If you swing more expressively, try Fantasy Body Finger Paint ($9.99).

Activities

PG: Who doesn’t love a good round of spin the bottle? Board games like Taboo and Cranium are my favorites. Party411.com offers different ideas for themed parties, including a Matchmaker theme, Celebrate the Single Life and A Truth or Dare Affair.

R: Two words: Penis Pinata ($24.99). The Mood has a specific section for party games. Sexual Trivia ($24.99) includes 1,440 sex fact questions. Dirty Minds ($25.00) tests your friends’ sexual tendencies with association questions, and What the F*ck (that’s the title, $24.99) gives situations and asks players to guess about other players’ preferences.

Example: “You are thrown in jail and have your choice of cellmates. Who do you choose? A. A cross-dressing arsonist or B. An anorexic gang member.” If you really want to keep it simple, get a deck of cards with scantily-dressed models ($1.99).

Finally, don’t forget to invite me. It’s bad love life karma. Plus, I’ll bring the conversation hearts.

Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at nadias@temple.edu.

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