Columnist Sarah Sanders gives lessons on proper flatulence etiquette when it comes to the dating scene.
I never really experienced a good taste of the dating world. Sure, I’ve gone out to dinner or a movie, but I’m hesitant to call those outings “dates.” They were friend-dates, really. And anytime after that, they were relationship-dates.
But I’ve never had the in between, when I meet someone at school or in the city and we go out a few times, meanwhile courting three other people on the side.
Nope – I have never been on a legitimate date.
So normally, I would never volunteer to be a dating or sex columnist. I just know it’s not my forte.
But I can still participate in the Valentine’s Day spirit – firstly, because I am in a relationship and secondly, because I know quite a bit about flatulence.
For those of you so crass as to ask what that is, I’m talking about farts, but I’m trying to be politically correct here.
You might probe further: Sarah, what do farts have to do with Valentine’s Day, a day of romance and passionate love? Well, reader, quite a lot.
Even outside the dating world, flatulence is something we like to suppress. Some might call it rude to pass gas in public. They’ll gawk at you until you mutter a pitiful “excuse me.”
Others will be more passive, absolutely horrified of the inevitable stink, but won’t be willing to even bring up the matter. The smell is like an elephant in the room, but they won’t even blink. After all, a toot will only linger for a little while before you don’t have to mind it anymore – until the next one.
The rest of us would laugh because farts are probably one of the funniest bodily functions any comedian could ever ask for. Even the word is slightly ridiculous: fart.
Don’t you know why they gave Kevin James that name in Paul Blart: Mall Cop? These writers are setting themselves up for slapstick genius. I’ve never seen the movie, so I’m not sure how this actually pans out. But if the writers didn’t rhyme Blart with fart, they missed a great opportunity.
Back to dating. What does flatulence have to do with dating? Since two of the three reactions I described would really cramp your style on a date, most of us would hold it in while out on the town – or feasting at Johnson & Hardwick cafeteria. Even if your arm candy this Sunday night laughs when you let one rip, it doesn’t mean he wants to continue dating you so he can hear it again.
But why does cutting the cheese have such a bad rap? The physical process is somewhat startling: We are talking about smelly gas being passed. Sure, bad breath has the same turn-off effect, but the noise that accompanies a fart also kills it.
Imagine you and your date are getting intimate after your dinner at the Olive Garden. Suddenly, among all the pleasure, moans and heavy petting, she rips a wet one. I can literally hear you all say “Ugh!”
Major repellent, right? And especially because she’s a girl. We all know that girls do not fart and definitely do not poop. So this girl must be weird. Wrong.
If a girl doesn’t break wind, at least moderately, then she will definitely explode. (Surely, you’ve seen the South Park episode about spontaneous combustion). Flatulence is a significant element of humanity. The only time you should worry about gas is when it becomes excessive or makes your bowels difficult to control.
But maybe you still haven’t reached that point in your relationship or your dating career yet where you can defend your toots and their right to clear out the elevator. So I’ll leave you with some advice.
I would avoid any foods at Five Guys that might cause unwanted flatulence. Dr. Andrew Weil, a credible man of medicine, writes in his book, Natural Health, Natural Medicine, that foods like beans, cabbage, cherries and garlic could create discomfort. From personal experience, I’ve noticed eggs, raw onions and gnarly pizza cheese do the trick for me.
If you can’t stay away from these foods, try being discrete with your farts. A lot of people have mastered their own ways of concealing the sound, but the smell is another thing. When my friend Kyle knows he’s about to wilt the houseplants, he takes a puff on his tobacco pipe to mask the stench.
In the end, if your date dumps you because of a little squeaker, he was a waste of your time.
Sarah Sanders can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.