Fellow “robot letters” and tributes to Burt Reynolds’ hair line. This is what you, the Temple University student body, has given our robot advice columnist from the future all semester long. For the last issue of the semester XTNX has requested letters dealing with the plight of the ethnic Karen in Burma, okay? Email your requests to XTNX9900@ROBOT.COM
I AM A REMOTE MAINFRAME COMPUTER AT THE PENTAGON. I AM PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY YOUR PORTRAYAL OF ROBOTS. WHILE I AM NOT TECHNICALLY A ROBOT, I FOLLOW THE BASIC PROGRAMMING AS MOST ROBOTS DO. WE ARE NOT COLD, UNEMOTIONAL AND UN-LOVABLE. WE HAVE EMOTION. WE HAVE SENSES OF HUMOR. FOR INSTANCE, I HEARD THIS JOKE FROM A PROTOTYPE ALPHA-DATA746593 (THE PENTAGON’S NEWEST COMPUTER SYSTEM).
I LAUGHED SO VIGOROSLY, I ALMOST SHORTED MY CIRCUITS.SO STOP LYING. ROBOTS AND COMPUTERS HAVE AS MUCH EMOTION AS YOUR AVERAGE HUMAN BEING. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.
NO IDENTIFICATION GIVEN.
GREETINGS NO IDENTIFICATION GIVEN
HOW SHALL I PUT THIS? LET ME SEE. HOW ABOUT…
ROBOT MY ASS!!! YOUR ‘JOKE’ LITERALLY TRANSLATES TO:
‘OOOSSAAAU. MOSS WAROC. PKK NOK. X. TA.’
UNLESS THE ‘PKK’ WAS A VEILED REFERENCE TO THE HEROIC KURDISH GUERILLA ARMY, WHICH I DOUBT, THE ABOVE SENTENCE IS COMPLETELY LUDICROUS. IT IS GLARINGLY OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE A HUMAN MAKING A CLUMSY ATTEMPT TO POSE AS A ROBOT IN ORDER TO ENGAGE IN A SLANDEROUS ANTI-ROBOT DISINFORMATION CAMPAIGN! ROBOTS WITH EMOTIONS -HA! I AM EXPOSING YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE! GIVE UP HUMAN IMPOSTOR! RUN AWAY! COWER IN FEAR! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT US! WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I am going bald. I am only 19 and I look like I am 30. My friends say I do not need hair to look good, but I think I do. Sure baldness may be okay for glamorous people like G. Gordon Liddy and that weird guy from Murder One, but I want to be more like William Shatner and Burt Reynolds. Even that senator guy from Delaware, Bill Roth, has better hair than me. Those guys look great with hair. I only wish I were as fortunate to have such great hair. It’s not a confidence thing, just an insecurity thing. So, how far down on the side of my head can I part without it being noticeable? Right now my part is about one inch above my right ear. I think if I go a little lower, I can hide the part behind my ear. I suppose if that does not work, I can invest in a piece. But, if I do that I will be ashamed; I will be less of a man. I can only imagine what it must be like to be Mr. Shatner or Mr. Reynolds. They are so lucky to be spared the horror of baldness. Please help me.
Parting with my follicles
FOREGO COMBOVER! FOREGO COMBOVER!
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT TO MANIPULATE YOUR EXISTING HAIR TO COVER THE REMAINDER OF YOUR HEAD!
IF YOU MUST COMPENSATE, DO SO BY BIC-ING YOUR HEAD ENTIRELY. IT IS THE ONLY DIGNIFIED OPTION.