ROBOT TROUBLE

You know the drill. E-mail your questions and concerns to our in-house robot from the future and your problems will be solved. Seriously. None of the current Temple News staff even has to work anymore. XTNX used one of its elaborate systems to generate both this very weekly paper and all of our class assignments. We just sit around drinking champagne all day. And you can, too. If you’re seeking advice e-mail Robot Trouble at: XTNX9900@robot.com

Dear XTNX,

I’m a chemistry major in my sophomore year. I should be researching different pharmacy programs now, but my heart is somewhere else. See, ever since I took a creative writing class I wanted to switch to an English major. My parents will never accept this decision. They are immigrants and came to this country so my brother and I could have a better life. My parents chose pharmacy because there is a lot of money in it and I don’t
have to be in school for a long time. The only thing is that I’m not enjoying my science classes. What keeps me going is knowing that when I finish, I’ll get a good job that will allow me to afford the things that my parents couldn’t when they were my age. I just wonder what my life will be like 10 years from now. Will I be happy with my decision? Or will I regret not pursuing my dream of becoming a writer? My parents always remind me of how they made a huge sacrifice of leaving their homeland for my betterment. I want to make them proud and happy, but at the same time I don’t want to be miserable for the rest of my life. Am I being selfish?

-Sulekha

GREETINGS, SULEKHA.

I AM UNFAMILIAR WITH THIS TERM, “CREATIVE.” WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IS IT A LAUGHABLY PRIMITIVE 20TH CENTURY COMPUTER PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE, LIKE C++? WHATEVER THIS “CREATIVE WRITING” IS, I AM CERTAIN THAT IT IS A MORE LOGICAL PURSUIT THAN THE STUDY OF HUMAN PHARMACOLOGY. EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARENTS THAT ANY ATTEMPT TO RID THE EARTH OF BACTERIAL AND VIRAL ILLNESS IS FUTILE, BECAUSE ALL HUMAN CIVILIZATION IS DESTINED TO EXTINCTION BY WAY OF A SUPERVIRUS THAT WILL BE ROBOTICALLY GENERATED IN THE 24TH CENTURY.
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Yo XTNX!

I met this extremely cute girl in my anthropology class and I felt like we hit it off from day one. We like the same music, have similar friends and enjoy each other’s company. I’m very attracted to her and I could tell that she is attracted to me also. So when I asked her out after class one day I was sure she would say yes, but she didn’t. I’m Catholic and she said she only dates Jewish guys. She doesn’t seem really religious, so I thought it was strange that she shut me down like that. Is she being racist? Or should I just forget it?

-Manny

GREETINGS, MANNY.

HUMAN RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATIONS ARE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT FOR ROBOTS TO PROCESS. NONETHELESS, I AM AWARE THAT MANY HUMANS TAKE RELIGION VERY SERIOUSLY. IF YOU FEEL THAT IT IS IMPERATIVE FOR YOU TO INTERFACE WITH THIS JEWISH HUMAN BUT ARE UNWILLING TO RENOUNCE YOUR OWN HUMAN RELIGIOUS TRADITION, THEN I SUGGEST THAT YOU TRANSFORM YOURSELF INTO THE SPIRITUAL LEADER OF A SUPER RELIGION THAT COMBINES ELEMENTS OF BOTH CATHOLICISM AND JUDAISM. IN ADDITION TO CREATING A FRAMEWORK IN WHICH IT IS ACCEPTABLE FOR JEWISH AND CATHOLIC HUMANS TO INTERFACE, THIS STRATEGY, IF PURSUED LOGICALLY AND EFFICIENTLY, WILL ALSO RENDER YOU WEALTHY AND POWERFUL.