Columnists Mark Longacre and Alexis Sachdev give fashion advice for next semester.
Last week, as we attempted to enjoy a nice meal in the Student Center – using our previously mentioned pristine etiquette, of course – we were so disgusted with the outfits we saw that we lost our appetites. So, we decided to give Temple our early wish list for Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, Festivus or whatever holiday you celebrate. We never want to see the following:
1. UGGs, leggings and a North Face jacket as an outfit. Instead, wear a pea coat, jeggings and leather boots. Refer to Kenny Thapoung’s Oct. 18 column “A Cheaper Winterwear” for assistance.
2. “Bro couture,” i.e., socks with sandals, gym shorts, a fitted cap and a shirt with ripped sleeves. Instead wear, a pair of boat shoes, well-fitted jeans and a comfortable sweater (not a hoodie).
3. Pajamas or sweatpants to class. Comfort doesn’t have to be ugly. Comfortable jeans or leggings for girls provide a classy alternative.
4. Unnatural colors on the bottom half. If the color doesn’t occur naturally, it shouldn’t be on your body. Period. Neutrals are your friends.
6. Muffin top with a tight shirt and a “whale tail.” Keep the whale safe under the ocean and your muffins in the oven by buying jeans that complement your shape.
7. Crusty socks. Socks cannot be worn with heels, socks cannot be worn visibly above the ankle, white socks cannot be worn with black shoes and black socks are your friends.
8. Running sneakers or hiking boots with jeans. Unless you’re hitting the gym in your Sunday best, there is no reason to wear running sneakers with jeans.
9. Inappropriate clothing for winter. We all know you’re trying to get it in wearing that skimpy mini skirt. However, you shouldn’t have to be cold to get hot. Leave something to the imagination.
10. No snow apparel unless it’s snowing. Unless there is a blizzard, there is no reason to wear snow boots. Sperrys are made to endure some water. Parkas are only appropriate during an ice age.
11. Colored pea coats. Again, natural colors are your friend. Burberry doesn’t make unnatural colors for a reason.
12. Neon colors outside of a club, highlighter party or summer night. Main Campus already has traffic guards. It doesn’t need more.
13. Out-of-season team gear or generic Temple apparel. We have Temple pride, but you don’t have to scream “Temple” with your outfit. Show your pride by going to class every day, and leave the Phillies gear at home during the offseason.
14. Rollerblades. There are sexier ways of transportation. Cough, crotch rocket, cough.
15. Cargo pants. Unless you plan on carrying the contents of your backpack in your pants, there is no reason to wear them. Period.
16. Headphones when you’re not listening to music. They’re not earmuffs.
17. Mixing black, navy and brown. This is a cardinal rule. Follow it.
18. Ill-fitting clothing. We all know the holidays bring some added pounds. Shop in anticipation of this, or bust your butt at the gym.
19. Clashing. Just no. Wear one stripe at a time. If you’re wearing a brown scarf, don’t wear your black pea coat. The color wheel is your friend.
20. Corduroy. You’re not working middle management in the 1990s, so corduroy isn’t necessary.
21. Shoe tongues over your jeans. It looks cheap. No.
22. Bad haircuts. Hair is the one thing you always have with you; it’s the perfect accessory. Don’t mess it up.
23. Beanies. Don’t cover up your hair, the perfect accessory, with an oversized sock.
24. Fishnets. Unless you’re starring in Temple’s rendition of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” this stripper staple is unnecessary.
25. Tattered clothing. Remember Pig Pen from “Charlie Brown”? Take care of your clothes; hand-wash your expensive items, or have them dry cleaned, and support the local economy in the process.
Given the upcoming New Year, why not try changing yourself, and your style, for the better. The added confidence will bring you good fortune – you never know whose attention you’ll catch.
XOXO, Mark and Lex.
Mark Longacre and Alexis Sachdev can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.