Like any woman who thinks about her pussy with 90 percent of her brain, I went to see the Vagina Monologues at Penn as soon as it opened. The play, adapted from the book by Eve Ensler, is an hour-and-a-half affair consisting of three women performing monologues in which the word vagina is mentioned unflinchingly no less than 567 times. That’s in addition to the old classics twat and cooter, and newer creative euphemisms like cootchie-snatcher.
The play, starring Carol Kane, runs until Oct. 16. It was hilarious. And in addition to the silliness of hearing Latke’s wife say “clitoris” in a Bronx accent, the Vagina Monologues is packed with essential information about the eponymous female organ. For instance, the clitoris contains 8,000 nerves–as opposed to the penis, which sports a comparatively paltry 4,000. And 70 percent of women–that’s seven out of ten, math whizzes–need to have that “noivy” little spot stimulated to have an orgasm.
Indeed, the jokes that got the most knowing (on the part of the predominantly female audience) and the most uneasy (from the few brave males) laughs were related to the naïveté of men in the sack. Most women agree that men–especially men of college age–still simply do not know what to do “down there.”
Even after feminism, after The Joy of Sex–after Maxim, for God’s sake–you still think the old in-out’s going to do the trick. It’s not. So I’m taking it upon myself to educate you in the ways of that womanly wonder, the female orgasm.
Remember how the main nerd got Betty Childs at the end of Revenge of the Nerds? Because he knew his stuff. So settle down, boys, fit this into your Chemistry book, and start studying.
Tip #1 DON’T FIXATE ON THE VAGINA! No sooner do you have your fingers in our underwear than you’ve got your whole hand in shoved up in there like you’re trying to stuff a Thanksgiving Turkey. This hurts. Pay attention to the clitoris and the exterior of the vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside and see if she likes it.
Tip #2 THE CLITORIS IS NOT A “BUTTON”! I’m assuming you all know where the clitoris is, and I’m not going to waste my time explaining it. If you don’t know, check out an anatomy book. Paley’s got loads. Direct pressure is very unpleasant on this sensitive area–remember, 8,000 nerves–so if you are using your fingers, gently rotate them along the sides. When you are using your mouth, breathe on the area, and gently flick or rotate your tongue.
Tip #3 DON’T STOP FOR A BREAK! Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. Keep going, lockjaw or not.
Tip #4 DON’T GO TOO FAST! I can’t stress this one enough. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like a power drill. She’ll duly feel like a piece of plywood. Women endure rapid thrusting and pretend to like it because we think it will get you off faster. Which brings me too the next point…
Tip #5 DON’T TAKE TOO LONG! In case you don’t know by now, it’s a myth that women like intercourse to last for hours on end. It’s sensitive down there. And plus it gets, well, boring. Not to mention tiring. Obviously you shouldn’t be too quick, either. We all know that sex isn’t over until you “both get your cookies.” When a woman comes, you’ll know (most women make noise). After that, we’d like you to finish up, please. And a hint for latecomers: If you quit masturbating so often, it won’t take you so long.