SPANKING THE OWL

Let’s face it. We all know college students masturbate more than Pee-wee Herman does at a double feature.

We’re finally old enough to buy porn, and damn it if we’re not going to take advantage of our pre-Viagra years. Aside from guzzling booze and procrastinating, it’s our greatest pleasure.

What the average college student isn’t aware of is the wide array of products now available which can…er…lend a hand to those solitary sprees. Yes, sex toys for men and women have come a long way from luxury showerheads and produce.

Worried that masturbation is wrong? If people really grew hair on their palms we’d be a university of horny hirsutes.

Wake up, baby! Washington obviously condones carnal pleasure. And check out www.religioustolerance.org, which provides actual Biblical evidence of Jesus saying it’s OK to flog the ol’ donkey.

Naturally, the Web offers a slew of helpful resources for massaging the mouse–not least those pesky kiddie-porn and bestiality Web sites.

But for those who want to have a less controversial wank, NYC’s Toys in Babeland has an online catalog fairly spurting over with their self-described “friendly” brand of sexual sundries.

If you’re a Luddite, or creditless, Philadelphia’s own Pleasure Chest boasts a vast assortment of pleasure tools. In addition to the now standard Veiny Penis vibrator, the PC stocks such upgraded items as Utopia Love’s vibrating, fluid-filled masturbatory sleeve ($26.50). The more moderately priced Jolly Vibrating Cucumber ($19.95) will have you feeling nostalgic for that time you “just had to try it.” And Sweet Heart Liquor ($6.95) promises to “increase the pleasure of your love.”

As for boys, suffer blue balls no more now that Hustler’s Little Pink Pussy–a “realistic” vagina–ensures squishy satisfaction ($34.95). My personal favorite, Rectal Renegade, will suit those with an acquired taste. And an inflatable sheep–The Famous Erotic Love Ewe ($19.95–billing itself as “the party sheep” will surely reel in those haze-y-crazy frat guys.

Solitary sex is the safest sex, but as anyone who’s taken microbiology knows, all kinds of nasty things can still happen to your tender bits if your equipment is not kept clean. After each use, wash all parts with water and a mild soap to keep infections (and angry letters to The Temple News from the Health Center) at bay.