I’m a big fan of the ’80s. Besides me, other great things that came out of that decade include everything Madonna (especially the pointy bra), pop rocks (the original mouth party) and a minefield of hairstyles.
As a prudely adventurous high school freshman, I decided I was going to single-handedly lift big hair back from the dark, dark depths of retro style and rock it as emancipated late-’90s fashion.
But, because I am notoriously cheap and was, at that point, on-again-off-again poverty stricken, I decided to give myself a home perm instead of paying a competent person. The outcome was a twisted mesh of Shirley Temple and a poodle.
While the name “permanent” hints at a somewhat enduring quality, the monstrosity eventually grew out and I was glad to return to (arguable) eye candy status instead of wallowing forever in my eyesore misery. Unfortunately, other decisions made with youthful invincibility are not so easily outlived. While I was busy in the bathroom wrestling with my heinous mane, many of my peers were getting busy in the bedroom, mounting each other with awkward adolescent cluelessness. Losing your virginity is something you only get to do once, mercifully, and it has a transforming, initiation value on par with earning your driver’s license and graduating from high school. Even if you forgot his name (which you didn’t), odds are you’ll never forget the experience.
Recently, a new concept has been brought to my attention. Born-again virginity. With Leon Phelps ignorance, I asked, “Yeah, now what is that?” Apparently people sacrifice sex in their lives to return to a pre-cherry poppin’ state. Voluntarily! Wow.
At this point I’m going to take a quick break so that you can finish choking on my sarcasm. Recovered? All right, onward.
In all seriousness, I think this is a key resolve to help heal from a bad experience or to re-evaluate one’s judgments. I’m not going to delve into people’s reasoning. I fully support and respect this choice. I think it’s good, so please don’t send me emails about my insensitivity.
Instead I’m going to have some fun to kick off my birthday month. **Only three weeks of shopping left.** Since I’ve been so crabby and serious lately, it’s time to put on my Jeff Foxworthy stilettos and help you determine if you yourself are a born-again virgin in a little section I like to call “You might be an involuntary born-again virgin if … ”
1 … you walk past a construction site full of shirtless workers and wonder what they’re building.
2 … you see a used condom on the ground and mistake it for a balloon animal that’s seen better days.
3 … you eat a chocolate-covered banana without smirking.
4 … you can’t quite identify with any of Lil’ Kim’s lyrics.
5 … you saw “40-year-old Virgin” as an informative documentary.
6 … your ideal date involves Scrabble, Monopoly or any game of cards that doesn’t entail someone ending up naked.
7 … you go more than three days without changing your underwear and it’s not a cause for alarm.
8 … shaving your legs seems inconsequential.
9 … you own a bottle of KY past its expiration date.
10 … your grandmother asks if you’re seeing anyone and you tell her you think your therapist is crazy.
11 … the last lube you had was at Jiffy Lube.
12 … Intercourse is just another city you drove through once.
13 … You really do read Playboy for the articles
14 … your shower massager is actually used to get to those hard-to-reach places on your back.
15 … you buy a twin bed with space saving in mind.
16 … the word “satisfaction” only conjures images of Mick Jagger.
17 … when you consider a walk of shame going more than 10 paces with toilet paper stuck to your heel.
18 … The one night stand you have houses your alarm clock.
19 … Matt Donnelly looks good after only one cocktail. ZING! I’m gonna pay for that one next week.
20 … finally, you watch porn and are more interested in where she got her pumps than how she’s getting pumped.
As my final gift to you, I am beginning an online weekly sex poll. This week, tell me the longest you’ve gone without having sex. If you have any additions to the “You might be a born-again virgin if …” list, e-mail them to me. If it’s funny, I’ll print it next week.
Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.