Straight up sex

I look really dumb right now. It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office. Nobody is here to witness me fruitlessly attempting to lick my own elbow. I’ll give you a minute

I look really dumb right now.

It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office. Nobody is here to witness me fruitlessly attempting to lick my own elbow.

I’ll give you a minute to stop laughing at me.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ll try to explain myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time staring at women this month.

Take the opposite page for example.

Tons of impressive women on it, huh.

Layout’s not exactly the most exciting part of the production process, but in designing the Women’s History Month feature pages, these profiles definitely
broke up the monotony.

What an interesting bunch we women are.

We conquer everything from politics to poetry to parenting (not that men don’t, but you can get your own month, boys).

This is our month – our month to unite as one big estrogen-packed mass of femininity.

While there are countless ways to celebrate being a woman (like reflecting on historical accomplishments, profiling successful females and highlighting those working to better the future), I felt like these things all focus on our nurturing as opposed to our nature – our natural, biologically uniform similarities that, for the most part, go unnoticed on a day-to-day basis.

I don’t mean biological like “WHY did my mother curse me with these aisle-clearing hips?” biological, I mean strictly anatomically, believe-it-or-not it’s part of your body because you’re a woman biological.

What better time to celebrate the wonders of the female body than during Women’s History Month?

It’s a pretty incredible creation, actually, and it never gets any credit except when it fits Cosmo credentials.

What did you think about during your lunch break today, ladies? Homework? Appointments you can’t forget about? Why what’s-his-face hasn’t called you yet?

Whatever it was, I bet it wasn’t “Wow, my clitoris is one amazing apparatus, seeing that it houses over 8,000 nerve endings.

I am GLAD I have a clitoris.”
Alright, truth be told, neither did I, and I just read that yesterday. In fact, I was so impressed with this compilation of clitoral girl power that I told my boyfriend to impress him.

He then proceeded to argue that there’s no strength in comparing numbers, as men have waaaaaaaaaaay more sperm than that in their bodies at all times.

First of all, nobody asked, and second of all, this is a celebration of women, not a battle of the sexes, so I WON’T bother to mention that sperm are the laziest, wussiest, and smallest cells of the human body (the largest being the ovum. Where’s that located again? Oh right, in the woman).

I guess I do have to give sperm some credit. After all, in order to reach the egg, the sperm must travel three to four inches inside the woman’s body, which would be the equivalent to a human running a 26-mile marathon.

See? All that work just to get to our goods.

There’s something to be proud of.

Another reason to toot our own horns is the vagina, whose average depth is three to six inches, unless you’re a blue whale.

Then it’s six to eight feet deep, which would put even Ron Jeremy to shame.

The vagina is also the only other organ besides the eye that is self-cleaning.

Not only do we house the party, but we tidy up afterwards.

If you’re not impressed by detailed skill, we could just focus on brut sexual strength.

Forget the “17 muscles to smile and 43 muscles to frown” jargon.

The female body calls on 116 muscles to orgasm, which also relieves menstrual cramps because all that pumping and pounding moves blood away from congested organs.

In addition, the orgasm is a painkiller because it releases endorphins. And you thought Aspirin was powerful medicine.

Speaking of events that require some painkilling, there is the miracle of childbirth.

While it doesn’t exactly seem like a gift, the ability to force life from your own body is one made possible only by femininity.

There is no bond like the one between a mother and her child.

Some of us get more wrapped up in it than others.

For example, the record-holding mother of the most children is a Russian woman who gave birth to 69 children, including four sets of quadruplets, seven sets of triplets and 16 sets of twins.

If that isn’t a miracle of the human body, I don’t know what is.

Despite all of this wear and tear, 30.8 percent of women make it to their 85th birthday, while less than 15 percent of men do.

Just another testament to the wonder of the female body.

Maybe all of these facts and figures won’t fly as casual dinner conversation or win you double Jeopardy points, but they do make for interesting reading, even if you have to sort through the more unmentionable sexual statistics (did you know that the longest recorded pubic hair was 28 inches long?), and the irrelevant material to find them.

That brings me to my elbow-licking episode.

In reading the “Little Known ‘Did you Know’ Facts” on the Area 51 Web site, I found out that “It is impossible to lick your elbow.”

So, I became one of the 75 percent of site visitors that actually try to after reading the fact.

But hey, maybe you’re the exception to the elbow rule. Never know until you try, right?

Nadia Stadnycki can be reached at

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