There are many reasons why I’ve decided to discontinue attending concerts at the Electric Factory. One reason is because Clear Channel feels the need to charge a million dollars for shows. But oh wait, they are nice people, they donate a whole 25 cents to charity. But when it really boils down to it, my true hatred is crowd surfing.
I don’t even think I can blame my old age for the fact that I despise this horrible act. Age has nothing to do with it. I have loathed crowd surfing ever since I first started going to shows way back in ’98. I can actually recall the first time I witnessed the action take place, almost like it was yesterday. It was an MXPX show. I know, I know. Christian rock, how bad could it be? Well, one black eye later and I came to realize “duck and cover” my friend; that is the answer.
After that incident I truly had no desire to ever learn the art of crowd surfing. I can sit here and honestly say that I never even dared to attempt it. For one, I just find the whole concept to be totally ludicrous. When was the last time you saw them selling surfboards at a show?
However, maybe I’ve never crowd surfed because I just simply do not fit the criteria. For one, I would not consider myself significantly overweight, I do not wear scandalous attire to shows hoping that people will rip it off as they mangle my body, nor am I what people would refer to as a giant. It seems to me that you have to be one of the heaviest, tallest, minimally-dressed people to be allowed to crowd surf. Oh, and it also helps when you have huge feet as well. Then it makes it that much easier to kick people in the head while you’re traveling.
Word on the street is that flip flops make really good shoes to wear too, so when kids throw you toward the stage you’ll lose your shoes. Then we can all take “time-out” so that everyone can help you look for them. Looking for people’s shoes is always the highlight of the show for me.
So in case you haven’t noticed, I have a serious problem with crowd surfing. I find it to be almost as irritating as the phrase “same difference.” (I mean what does that really mean anyway?) So what do I propose we do? Well I say the next time you see one of those little children, or excuse me, mammoth children getting ready to surf, just step away and continue to rock out. We are not surfboards, we are not an ocean, we are people! Leave the surfing for the ocean.
Recommended CD: Kicked in the Head, Thick as Thieves.
Rosalie Yurastis can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.