Temple Tips: Hallmark’s hellish holiday

Who exactly does this company known as Hallmark think they are? They have turned one single day in mid-February into the mushy, lovey-dovey, chocolate-feasting, make-me-gag holiday: Valentine’s Day. OK, so if you haven’t guessed, I’m

Who exactly does this company known as Hallmark think they are? They have turned one single day in mid-February into the mushy, lovey-dovey, chocolate-feasting, make-me-gag holiday: Valentine’s Day.

OK, so if you haven’t guessed, I’m single. And for some reason Hallmark has decided to make me, along with thousands of other lonely hearts, feel incredibly unwanted on this one particular “holiday.”

For some people it’s not even their fault that they are alone. Take Clifton Forge, Va., for example. There is a ratio of 79 men to every 100 women in that town. That means 21 women are shit out of luck once a year. I guess they could move, just hopefully not near me, as I think the odds are about the same in my town.

I mean Hallmark makes it seem like this ‘fake holiday’ is for everyone. For example, they suggest giving a candy heart to your mom if you don’t have a special someone, but who wants to do that? What do I get out of the deal? NOTHING. Big-momma love is great and all, but it’s not really what I’m looking for at this point in my life.

So, I have come to the conclusion that the emotionally-stirring day in February is nothing more than a created holiday to make singles feel depressed, lovers fall more in love and, more importantly, draw in the big bucks with sales. For some reason people continuously fall under this spell. Almost $5 million is spent on flowers in the U.S. every year and Valentine’s Day is a huge reason why.

The demand for V-Day foliage has forced the U.S. to import flowers from Colombia for this occasion. However, this seems a little fishy to me. Exactly what type of flowers grow in Colombia? Unless people are buying coffee-smelling or coke-filled flowers, I’ve never heard of such a thing. And flowers are only one of the many things that become a treasured gift on V-Day.

Hallmark seems to come out with some marketing scheme each year. This year the trademark Kiss Kiss Bears are big. Almost as big as Giga Pets and Tickle Me Elmo dolls of years past. And granted these bears are neat, but what is the purpose? My mom got the bears as an early V-Day present. I don’t know if they gave this thing Viagra before putting it into the box, but it was attached to my stove and then my fridge and even stuck to the metal plate in my sister’s head. Now that’s love!

Besides the bears there is always the candy. I got a candy gram last year from the stand in J & H cafeteria and was amazed at the modernization of the conversation hearts. I mean these candies have evolved from saying the simple, “I love you” to the new modern sayings like, “I love you more than the Internet,” or “My heart beats faster than a DSL line,” or my favorite “Page Me?” By next year, I am going to need to take CIS to even understand the conversation hearts.

One more thing about this built-up, red-hearts-everywhere-you-turn holiday is that half the people who celebrate it can’t even pronounce it correctly. There is no “TIME” in Valentine’s Day. It’s not ValenTIMES it’s ValenTINES … there is an ‘N’ in there not an ‘M.’ I don’t know if Hallmark printed it wrong one year on some of the millions of cards they produce, but it’s wrong.

So here’s the tip, make sure you include everyone in the holiday and for the love of chocolate, say it right!

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