WTF, Twitter? I’ve dedicated a large portion of my life to you. I write a column about you weekly, so I consider you work and play. Not many things in life are work and play, but you, Twitter, have transcended that boundary, and this is what you do to me?
I tweet daily, retweet properly and even read Twitter news on various platforms. And what do you do? You come out with this so-called “new” Twitter and don’t even tell me about it? Not only did you fail to give me the heads up, but you didn’t even invite me. The ones you love the most really do have the power to hurt you the most.
Apparently there’s supposed to be a notification on the top of the Twitter page that invites users to try the new Twitter. I haven’t seen such a thing. This is like when Google Wave came out all over again. Do I need to wait for an invitation to be disappointed? So, Twitter, you don’t want to show me your new face? Fine. I’m not going to Google it because that is just what you want me to do. Twit off.
Maybe once I’m actually invited to new Twitter sometime next year, I will just delete my account. And I’ll start my own Twitter. It will be called “Bitter.” #suckit
@DameNOdash: Yeah….. you are RT @CantB_Tamed: Ok I’m annoyed I don’t have the #newtwitter yet I swear I’m the only one
I don’t have it either. Stop acting so privileged, @DameNOdash. It’s annoying. The only reason you probably got new Twitter is because you tweet every 45 seconds. That’s abuse, not dedication. SMH.*
@sherellenydirah: new twitter….u are blowing my pipe right now. i dont UN der STAND
OK, Twitter, you invite people who can’t type correctly to try you? Isn’t getting your pipe blown supposed to be a good thing? Now I am the one who doesn’t “UN der STAND.”
@O_oFaceSWIPE63: THE NEW TWITTER IS GAY
Really, @O_oFaceSWIPE63? I didn’t know Twitter was a living, breathing organism who is interested in showing love and affection to another Twitter. Would new Twitter be heterosexual if it had more Facebook qualities? Oh, did you mean that the new Twitter is stupid or lame? Oh, OK. @O_oFaceSWIPE63 is gay.
@samuelf732: The new Twitter looks like the old one… cant tell the difference
If it looks the same, then why is everyone freaking out about how they don’t understand it? Are you a liar, @samuelf732? It appears that you are under the impression that the new Twitter was an automatic switch everyone experienced at the same time. I’m sorry, hun, I think you just have the old Twitter, but you don’t have enough Twitter knowledge to realize it. It will be all right. I am here for you.
I used to think the theme for my year was going to be FML,* but it is proving to be something else: hierarchy. Once again, I am at the bottom, sweeping the streets and tweeting away on the old version of Twitter. FML.
Samantha Krotzer can be reached at email@example.com.
*Because the subject of Temple Tweets is Web-related, readers may recognize the inclusion of some Internet shorthand they aren’t always familiar with. WTF is an online abbreviation for “What The F—,” and SMH is an online abbreviation for “Shaking My Head.” FML is an online abbreviation for “F— My Life,” which was popularized by FMyLife.com, a website where users can submit their worst moments of the day to be published. To find more translations of tech jargon, visit https://www.netlingo.com.