Columnist Alexis Sachdev offers easy alternatives to the sterotypical racy bunny costume and tacky couples outfits.
I think I’ve been quite tame thus far. I’ve discussed tattoos and profiled Philadelphia Fashion Week, but as far as complaints, I’ve had none. Every year around the same time, though, I find myself struggling with the same problem, and I’m full of sorrow. No, I don’t mean “womanly” issues. I’m talking about Halloween.
I have a very estranged relationship with Halloween. It’s my favorite holiday, but some, if not most, of the costumes I see each year make me want to throw grape slushies in the wearer’s face – “Glee”-style.
Halloween is a chance for us – men and women alike – to become different people, break out of our shells and express ourselves without judgment.
So why, ladies of Temple, do you insist on manifesting your personalities as slutty house pets? We all know what cruel intentions dwell beneath those innocent, fluffy kitty ears.
Gentlemen: You’re no better. Sexual innuendos as costumes may envoke stifled giggles at parties, but are certainly no better than the infamous kitten.
Men’s costume choices range from the tacky “Chick Magnet” – wearing a giant magnet on your shoulders with rubber duckies attached – to the downright wrong by making “pun” of your junk. Gross.
What’s even more offensive are couples costumes with obvious, obnoxious innuendos. Plugs and sockets, keys and locks, bricks and bricklayers. Enough. We all know you two are going to get cozy after this party, so don’t remind us single guys and gals of that fact with your matching ensembles.
Every year, Halloween parties begin and end the same way. The girls roll deep in skimpy skirts and fuzzy ears to a sleazy basement party with poor lighting. The opposite sex throws bad pick-up lines in response to the ladies’ alter egos. Drunk girls ruin their costumes, and drunk men keep up conversation in hopes of removing said costumes. Since when did this holiday become “All Hornies’ Eve?”
In truth, I have fallen victim to this fashion folly myself (except the couples – that’s just bad taste), but this year, I’m putting my well-shoed foot down in protest.
The average risqué Halloween costume rings up at about $55 for either gender. That’s some serious dough for college students, and for what, treats at the end of the night? This Halloween business is just a trick.
Some of the best Halloween costumes can be found right in your closet and can help you save some serious cash.
With a large men’s white button down, a pair of boxers and some “Fakefarers,” you can instantly become Tom Cruise’s call-girl-loving, smooth-dancing character, Joel Goodson. I tried this one year, and some people thought I was the Walk of Shame. I guess I got two great costumes out of one and a free condom.
I love my Snuggie. She’s pink and warmer than my bed, so back off. A Snuggie can be a great base to hundreds of Halloween costumes, and they’ll keep you warmer than a skimpy skirt at the end of October.
With a wizard hat, fake beard and a navy Snuggie, you can instantly become Albus Snuggledore. Attach felt stars to the robe, and carry a gilded goblet for an added aesthetic.
Have a black Snuggie? Get a blond wig and black shoes to recreate yourself as the “Dirrty” XTina.
The possibilities are endless with a Snuggie, so be creative. Just remember to wear pants – nobody wants to see your bare bum.
I can’t end the awful trend of bunny ears and skimpy skirts as a costume, so I’ll try to up the ante. Instead of trying to be innocent (keyword: trying) by dressing as a cuddly, furry friend, proclaim your badass-ness with an equally badass animal costume. For you Shark Week fans, take your great white costume out for a spin. If you’re a diehard cat lover, trade the ears for an untamed, intimidating mane.
There’s nothing wrong with being fierce, so don’t be afraid. Tyra would be proud.
If animals or wizards aren’t your thing, take a cue from the pop and silver-screen stars on the latest E! “True Hollywood Story” episode.
With a short dress, heels and an ankle monitor – fake, hopefully – you can be Lindsay Loser-han. Carry some white powder or an empty bottle of Jack Daniels as accessories.
The Michael Jackson tribute might be last season, but plenty of other deceased stars and starlets never got their night of fame. Anna Nicole Smith, Brittany Murphy, Billy Mays, Patrick Swayze or Steve Irwin are all sure to be crowd-pleasing costumes.
Whatever you decide to become this weekend, have some class and be creative. In an age of infinitely accessible information, you can find a unique costume, instead of the usual kitten or police officer. Besides, having a more creative outfit will leave a lasting impression on the guy or girl standing at the keg across from you, giving you the look.
Alexis Sachdev can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.