Note: This article has been corrected
Celebrities need help nowadays.
When celebrity actions prove to be so newsworthy that they lead CNN’s headlines every hour, something is clearly wrong with society. So I’m here to end this calamity just in time for Valentine’s Day.
In addition to my duties as your pop culture guru, I am a certified astrologist. Accreditations aside, I have the uncanny ability to see into celebrities’ futures.
Pull out the Russell Stover chocolates (yes, there is a relation somewhere), grab some flowers and bask in the glory of celebrity Valentine horoscopes of select stars. And see if these scenarios apply to your own lavish life.
DOB: Jan. 29, 1954
Enjoy your $2.5 billion net worth before your beau, Stedman Graham, smuggles it into his private account in the Bahamas. Have a quiet V-Day, and have him pay for dinner at a swanky Chicago diner. But keep your power in check, as some humble columnists question your secret intentions about taking over the world through Sen. Obama.
Jon Bon Jovi
DOB: March 2, 1962
Kudos for maintaining a strong family life and not giving love a bad name in a career that doesn’t allow for such things. Treat your high school sweetheart to a night on the town by the Jersey shore.
Jamie Lynn Spears
DOB: April 10, 1991
You were born in the ‘90s. And you’re pregnant. That shouldn’t happen. Spend this V-Day watching Juno without alleged father Casey Aldridge. Receive parenting advice outside of your immediate family.
DOB: May 20, 1946
“Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say I really don’t think you’re strong enough.” You make my job easy – listen to your own advice.
The Olsen Twins
DOB: June 13, 1986
Spend a V-Day together watching reruns of Full House. Such a family-oriented show could instill some good values into you, the representatives of a young Hollywood for whom people are still holding out hope while things don’t get too messy.
DOB: July 10, 1980
Take boyfriend Tony Romo out to dinner with his teammate, Terrell Owens. Have Kleenex on hand. Keep your parents out of this relationship and take responsibility for yourself, for heaven’s sake.
DOB: August 3, 1941
You’re 66 years old, and you’re kind of sexy. And apparently, you’ve had a beau – for 14 years. Be wary of this astronaut, and make sure he carries no grudges or diapers. Cut off ties with any prison buddies – they know where you live.
DOB: August 29, 1958
Call Lisa Marie Presley and rekindle what once was. Some people are just meant for each other. If you want a chance at love, you must leave the Neverland Valley Ranch, for obvious reasons.
DOB: Oct. 7, 1959
You seem to be fairly content in your love life with a nice woman you probably don’t deserve. Pairing you two together “is like pairing chocolate and an onion,” to put it in your own words. To be frank – don’t screw up.
DOB: Oct. 28, 1955
When I did a report on you in eighth grade, I was amazed your house was built into a mountain. Buy your wife that mountain and name it after her. Hell, buy her the entire mountain range, and you’ll go down in history as giving the best V-Day gift ever.
DOB: Nov. 23, 1992
I hate to say it, but based on the actions of your cohorts, you’ll be pregnant within the next year. To avoid this, spend V-Day with your dad – grab dinner and a movie. Since you’re the obvious breadwinner of the family nowadays, Billy Ray could use the support.
DOB: Jan. 7, 1964
The third time’s a charm, as you’ve proved with your third wife. Congratulations. Reconsider your tentative decision to leave the acting profession. National Treasure 3: Search for WMDs can be a V-Day gift to your fans worth more than Oprah could buy.
Chris Stover can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.