Last week’s “accidental strafing” of a grade school in New Jersey was not pilot error or an equipment malfunction; it was the opening of a new front in the war on terror.
My highly-placed sources say that in the wake of his victory last week, the re-elected President Bush has ordered an assault on all of the blue states in an effort to wipe out “tree-hugging hippies, urban hipsters and planet Michael Moore.”
My sources include a pizza-delivery boy who often brings thin-crust pies to the White House and some dude from Cleveland named Frank who insists “my information is almost as good as my weed.”
Frank says Bush decided to launch the initial attack on New Jersey because the state has long been a hotbed of chemical and biological agent production. Well, you don’t need the CIA to figure that out. There’s a reason the Camden Aquarium has a whole section devoted to fish with two tails.
There are reports that some of New Jersey’s most prominent figures have been assassinated by Special Forces, including Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and, uh, well, those two might be the only prominent figures New Jersey has ever produced.
Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey, seeking to rehabilitate his image since resigning after an admitted affair, has taken over the budding insurgency fighting the U.S. occupation. He announced “I am a gay American freedom fighter” and claimed responsibility for sabotaging the state’s production of Campbell’s soup and bad hairstyles.
The president is preparing to expand the Axis of Evil to include not only Iraq, North Korea and Iran, but also the Northeastern United States, the West Coast, France and Hari Krishnas.
In a closed-door meeting, President Bush told Republican members of Congress that this war was just part of his new efforts to come to agreement with Democrats. “Y’all can see, if all the Democrats are dead, it’ll be real easy to work with ’em.”
Democratic House minority leader Nancy Pelosi objected to the war and also declared her candidacy for the presidency in 2008, “that is, if I haven’t been deported.” She joins Hillary Clinton, John Edwards and Ashlee Simpson in the early race for the Democratic nomination.
John Kerry, who took a job as the Red Sox mascot following his defeat last week, announced that with the invasion of New Jersey: “maybe Bush isn’t such a bad guy. Jersey really does need to be cleaned up. However, I am confident that Ted Kennedy and Johnny Damon will protect Massachusetts from any aggression.”
When asked by reporters how he could justify attacking American citizens, Bush listened to his earpiece for a moment, then said, “I am going to do everything in my power to protect Cheetos, wait… no, I mean freedom. Sorry, bad reception.”
The president then pointed out the window and yelled “Lookee there! It’s Al Qaeda!” and ran out of the room.
Brian White can be reached at email@example.com.