Recently, I made a gigantic leap in my life. For a 21-year-old man, it may have been the biggest life decision I’ve made until this point.
No, I didn’t start a family, buy a house or have my first homosexual encounter (courtesy of Craigslist.com). Instead, I became acquainted with a pal of a different kind.
He’s white, small and fits perfectly in the palm of my hand. He takes direction well and really doesn’t make anything too complicated. Of course, he’s always game, and up for anything – if you know what I mean.
OK, that sounds a lot like the craigslist situation, but I swore I’d never talk about that again, so let me clarify. My big decision was buying a Nintendo Wii. It took me longer than most males my age to find “the one,” but I’m confident that holding
out led to the right decision.
Many boys get attached to a particular video game system. For many in my age group, it started young, with the first appearance of Mario, Sonic or Bill Clinton as an un-lockable character in NBA Jam. Others hopped on board around the time of GoldenEye for the N64. Still, other
guys in college currently waited for the Xbox and PlayStation 2, and became fanatical over games like “Mary-Kate and Ashley: Licensed to Drive” and “Mary-Kate and Ashley: Magical Mystery Mall.” Who could forget such classics?
I could. Before going to college, I never
played many video games. Sure, I had a
cheap, dilapidated Nintendo Entertainment
System with Mario 3 and Tetris, and a Sega
Game Gear with some good stuff.
But I never got too into any of it. Then I bought a Wii from a stereotypical Asian gamer named Al-fie. I was hooked instantly. Like any good relationship, the Wii and I
give and take, push and pull. I give it batteries almost every day.
It takes the energy out of the batteries, robbing me of money and valuable Wii time.
I suppose I give more to the Wii physically, but emotionally, he’s always there for me.
Failed a test? A couple games of absolute
domination in Wii Tennis should cure
Got fired from your job? Wii Bowling is
the cure-all for any financial problem.
Upset that you thought you got your
girlfriend pregnant but found out in the
third trimester that the father is actually her landlord – a pasty, obese 51-year-old with a trail of barbecue sauce dripping down his singular wife-beater named Lester?
That’s tough. I’d suggest a little homerun
derby followed with some boxing to
take out your frustrations.
Just make sure that wrist strap is on
tight. I heard some sweaty gamers lacking
dexterity hurled the Wiimotes through their
I never understood people who gethooked on video games more than reality.
My roommate freshman year was such aperson.
He would prefer meeting objectives in a Zelda game than meeting people in the
real world. Like I said, I didn’t really get it. I do now.
I am helpless. I am a slave to the beautiful, sleek white box with its comforting blue glow around the disc-drive.
I no longer wish to interact with the outside world.
I merely hope and pray that Nintendo releases a real-world simulator.
A delivery system would be nice too – one where I could order Stella Artois and sushi from the comfort of my living room. I’d never have to deal with people again, except for when I answer the door to pilfer said deliveries.
I just wish I got hooked earlier like others. I wish I was intoxicated by some
other game, some other system.
Maybe even “Mary-Kate and Ashley: Let’s Stop Eating and Look Like Scarecrows,”
a lesser known Japanese release for PlayStation 2.
It’s too late now. Even if I could break
the spell of the all-powerful Nintendo Wii, I wouldn’t want to. I love him, I really do. For the record, I have no idea why I
consider my soul mate, the Wii, masculine. Then, it could all go back to that craigslist encounter …
Mike Gleeson can be reached at