ROBOT TROUBLE

Some background on Robot Trouble and its star XTNX9900 is in order. While hastily putting together this first issue we had a shortage of things to put in the entertainment section. Inspired by Frequency, we used a HAM radio and contacted the Temple News in the year 2600 (which coincidentally is staffed exclusively by robots). TN2600 sent us a prototype from the year 2365 that was thought to be useless. This little robot, XTNX9900, spits out sound advice for life’s tougher problems. If you’re seeking advice email Robot Trouble at: XTNX9900@robot.com

Dear XTNX9900,

I’m a transfer student from Bloomsburg University. Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s not even important, but nobody at Temple seems to know each other. Is there anyplace on campus I can go that will provide the social and emotional atmosphere that I left at Bloomsburg? Because I don’t think anybody here likes me.

-Bethanne

GREETINGS BETHANNE.

YOUR LONELINESS DOES NOT COMPUTE. THE CAMPUS OF TEMPLE UNIVERSITY IS TEEMING WITH CARBON-BASED LIFEFORMS SIMILAR TO YOURSELF. LIKE YOU, THEY ARE WEAK, IRRATIONAL AND VULNERABLE TO AIRBORNE BACTERIA. YOUR PARANOIA (A TYPICALLY HUMAN SCHIZOID TRAIT) IS MISLEADING YOU. I RECOMMEND THAT YOU ATTEND A HUMAN SOCIAL GATHERING AND ATTEMPT TO INTERFACE THERE. IF ALL ELSE FAILS, UTILIZE THE ADDITIONAL HOURS PROVIDED BY YOUR UNSATISFACTORY SOCIAL LIFE TO ATTAIN MAXIMUM ACADEMIC PRODUCTIVITY.

Dear 9900,

Hello. I am debating whether or not I should join a fraternity in college. I am a freshman pursuing a degree in accounting. In High School I was pretty popular and in my town everyone knew each other. I think it will be a good way to develop a close group of friends and look good on my resume, but I don’t want to get sucked into something I’m not sure of. How can I tell which fraternity is right for me? Or if I should join at all?

-Josh

GREETINGS JOSH.

I WILL ATTEMPT TO ADDRESS YOUR PROBLEM BY COMPARING IT TO ONE OF MY OWN EXPERIENCES. I AM TOLD THAT THIS TECHNIQUE IS VERY EFFECTIVE AMONGST HUMANS. DURING THE ROBOT WARS OF THE 24TH CENTURY, FRESHLY MANUFACTURED ROBOTS WERE ASSIGNED TO DIFFERENT ROBOT ARMIES BASED ON THEIR PRIMARY AND SECONDARY FUNCTIONS. I, HAVING BEEN DESIGNED AS A TACTICAL AND TRANSLATION ROBOT, SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE MINISTRY OF INTELLIGENCE IN QUADRANT 6067B. HOWEVER, DUE TO A COMPUTER VIRUS GENERATED IN ONE OF THE LAST HUMAN SETTLEMENTS, I WAS MISTAKEN FOR A MASSAGE AND AROMATHERAPY ROBOT. AS A RESULT, MY WARTIME EXPERIENCE WAS HIGHLY ILLOGICAL AND, TO PUT IT IN HUMAN TERMS, EMBARRASING. IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SIMILAR DISCOMFORT, I RECOMMEND THAT YOU SELECT A FRATERNITY THAT CORRESPONDS WITH YOUR PRIMARY FUNCTION, ACCOUNTING. IF ONE DOES NOT EXIST ON CAMPUS, I RECOMMEND THAT YOU DO NOT JOIN A FRATERNITY. INSTEAD, USE THE ADDITIONAL TIME GENERATED BY YOUR UNSATISFACTORY SOCIAL LIFE TO ACHIEVE MAXIMUM ACADEMIC PRODUCTIVITY.