Dear L.C.,
Lately I’ve felt my girlfriend slipping away from me. We’ve been in separate colleges for about 2 months, and things seemed to have been working for the first month. I even proposed to her, and she said yes. Only recently have things been going downhill very quickly.
She told me I was being obsessive and possessive and that her friends made her realize this. She has known her friends for two months, and she met them at college. We’ve been going out for nine months, and we were engaged for about 3 weeks until it all started falling apart. She says she wants a break over the phone. Keep in mind I love her, and I will do anything to make her understand where I’m coming from. Is she worth it, though? What course of action should I take?
-In need of help
Dear In need,
Entering college with a relationship is common. Making it work is not. College is a defining time in a person’s life, and a time of drastic change. The newness of everything can be overwhelming, and the struggle to hold onto a relationship can become futile.
Obviously if this girl accepted your proposal, she loves you. But love is not always enough, especially if the two of you are separated from each other. If you were spending a lot of time together before you both went to school, a big piece of your relationship is now missing and drastic changes must be made to accommodate.
You’re not going to like this, but a break can be good. If you’ve been spending your first two months at college worrying about her, then you haven’t been spending the time living your own life. College is about finding out who you are- defining yourself, your interests and your future. Yours and yours alone.
Taking a break could mean the end of your relationship. It could also mean the improvement of it. If one person is not happy in a relationship, then the relationship is not working right. Love or no love, these things just do not work unless both people are committed to making it work. Right now, apparently, she is not. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end.
Why did you propose to her? Are you ready to be married, just entering into college? Are you ready to give up all other girls for the rest of your life? There are some hot girls on campus. Are you willing to totally forego dating them?
Think about yourself. Do some soul searching. Did you propose for the right reasons or did you propose because you wanted to make sure she was as committed to you as you are to her? It’s not unnatural to lose your head a little in these sorts of situations. Love makes you nuts, but if you’re pushing too hard, things are not going to work out right.
So here’s the bottom line. Only you know whether she’s worth it or not, but letting her call all the shots is not going to make anything easier for you. She wants a break so give her a break, and take one yourself. Use this time to figure out what you really want. Use it to get reacquainted with yourself as a single college student. What do you like to do? What do you want from life? You need to know these things and getting involved so deeply with another person can overshadow your individual needs.
Space will either make or break your relationship, but either way it will determine the best course of action. And I mean real space here. Not, “Oh we’re broken up but we still talk every night and hang out on the weekends” space. Give her a chance to miss you. Give yourself a chance to get over her. Both are a possibility.
L.C. can be reached at justasktu@hotmail.com.
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