ROBOT TROUBLE

We hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving. If you don’t celebrate “stuff-your-face-day,” than we hope you enjoyed having to watch professional football and not being able to do anything because of all the closed stores. XTNX had a relatively unexciting November 23 and as a result it made this week’s column even more exciting and inspirational than usual. Alleviate your pre-exam stress and send your questions and concerns to: XTNX9900@ROBOT.COM
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Dearest XTNX,

As of right now, the future of the US is still undecided. Many claim the Electoral College sucks. Many think Florida should be kicked out of the union, giving Gore most of the electoral and popular votes. What is your solution to finding out our next president? Would you ever consider running for president?

J. A. Leiberman
(Joshua Aaron not Joseph Abraham)

GREETINGS JOSHUA AARON LEIBERMAN

THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS AN ESPECIALLY PATHETIC EXAMPLE OF THE FALLIBILITY OF HUMAN LOGIC. AS FOR KICKING FLORIDA OUT OF THE UNION, I HAVE DONE SOME CALCULATIONS: BY REMOVING FLORIDA AND TEXAS FROM THE UNITED STATES, NOT ONLY WOULD THE BUSH FAMILY ARISTOCRACY BE RENDERED POWERLESS, BUT THE AVERAGE NATIONAL IQ WOULD RISE BY OVER 7 POINTS. GETTING RID OF OHIO AS WELL WOULD ADD AN ADDITIONAL THREE POINTS, BRINGING THE TOTAL UP TO 10.
IN ORDER TO DETERMINE THE NEXT PRESIDENT, I RECOMMEND GLADITORIAL COMBAT. BOTH GORE AND BUSH SHOULD BE GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY TO BATTLE BILL CLINTON ONE ON ONE. ARMAMENTS SHOULD BE DETERMINED ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS. GORE, BEING THE VICE PRESIDENT, SHOULD GO FIRST, FOLLOWED BY BUSH, FOLLOWED BY ANY THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE WHO HAS QUALIFIED AHEAD OF TIME FOR COMBAT. IN ORDER TO QUALIFY, A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE MUST DEMONSTRATE A PHD-WORTHY KNOWLEDGE OF POLITICAL ECONOMY, IN ADDITION TO HAVING WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT OF AT LEAST ONE PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING LEAGUE.
IF THE INCUMBENT PRESIDENT DEFEATS ALL COMERS, HE OR SHE IMMEDIATELY BECOMES ELIGIBLE FOR ANOTHER TERM. IF THE FIRST CHALLENGER (IN THIS INSTANCE, GORE) DEFEATS THE INCUMBENT, HE WILL THEN FACE OFF AGAINST THE SECOND CHALLENGER, AND SO FORTH…
THIS PROCESS WOULD BE MIRRORED AT THE STATE AND LOCAL LEVELS. YOU GET THE IDEA.
AS FOR YOUUR FINAL QUESTION, I’M SORRY TO TELL YOU THAT I, XTNX9900, WOULD NOT EVEN REMOTELY CONSIDER RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED HUMAN STATES OF AMERICA.REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY IS ESPECIALLY ILLOGICAL AND I FEAR PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO IT WOULD CAUSE IRREPARABLE DAMAGE TO MY MAINFRAME. ROBOTS PREFER DIRECT, COMMITTEE-BASED DEMOCRACIES, SUCH AS THE ONES PRACTICED IN CUBA, LIBYA AND YUGOSLAVIA IN IT’S GLORY DAYS UNDER JOSEP TITO, WHO WAS ACTUALLY A ROBOT.

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