The following editorial appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer on Thursday, Jan. 24:
Things you can say to the next telemarketer who calls:
Marketer: Hello, I represent the blah blah veterans of the blah blah state police foozball blah blah and they’ve authorized my blah blah company to offer you an incredible blah blah at just 2 percent a year!
You: Good evening! Don’t apologize for interrupting our dinner, again. I’m actually feeling a little sad that you and I are about to say goodbye — as in forever.
Marketer: Huh?
You: Oh, you haven’t heard? Those nice Federal Trade Commission folks in Washington are proposing a terrific new way to stop jerks like you, sorry, my manners. I should say, “hardworking low-paid telemarketers” such as yourself from bothering us in our homes. We’re all going to be able to put our phone numbers on a national list. And once your number’s on it, telemarketers can’t call your home ever again. And if they do it’s an $11,000 fine per call.
Marketer: But …
You: Of course, it’s not a done deal yet. It may take a year. But the FTC’s five commissioners voted 100 percent for the idea. And you know they wouldn’t make a big announcement about this plan if they weren’t already set on doing it.
Marketer: But I represent the nonprofit blah blah society!
You: Sorry, pal, but if nonprofits hire a for-profit company to do their dirty phone work, they’re also going to be barred from ringing anyone on the “do not call” list. There may be some major exemptions — banks, airlines, insurance companies.
So, no, dinnertime won’t be utterly peaceful. But a whole lot of companies are going to have to stop taking advantage of people just because they answer their phones. If I were you, I’d look for a new job. Maybe there’s a spot for you in the junk-mail-envelope stuffing or e-mail-spam-sending fields; we haven’t got them under control yet.
Marketer: But what about my rights to free speech?
You: You can free-speak all you want, buddy, but it stops at my ear if I want it to. I own my phone; it’s inside my house. I don’t let salespeople inside my front door so how come you’re allowed in? P-R-I-V-A-C-Y. You know what that means? And can we wrap this up now? I’ve got to contact the FTC to let them know what a great idea this is.
Marketer: But aren’t you interested in the great blah blah I’m selling?
You: I might be. But I gotta run. So give me your home number. That way I can call you before I go to work. At 4 a.m.
(c) 2002, The Philadelphia Inquirer
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