The only truly accurate news sources left are The Onion and The Daily Show.
The Onion, a satirical newspaper with headlines like “Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank” and “Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American Flag Cake” has become all too appropriate lately.
In the seven days before I wrote this:
Russian forces rescued 800 hostages being held by Chechen nationalists in a Moscow theatre by pumping the theatre full of what they claimed was opium gas.
118 hostages died, 410 more went to the hospital and all 10 terrorists involved died as well.
All in all, more than half of those “rescued” were dead or seriously ill afterwards, a body count that the terrorists only wished they could have achieved.
The “Beltway Sniper” was finally found, but while the whole country was looking for a lone white male with a white van, they arrested an African-American and his Jamaican stepson, riding in a blue Chevy.
The pair were found while sleeping in their car, a prediction made by serial killer David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz in a New York Post interview two weeks before. And the man responsible for their capture?
A police chief named Moose.
Minnesota Sen. Paul Wellstone, widely considered to be the Senate’s most left-wing member, dies in a tragic plane crash with his wife, daughter, three campaign workers and two pilots.
His death occurs during a vicious re-election campaign against Republican challenger Norm Coleman, and President Bush nonetheless goes ahead with plans to campaign for Coleman in Minnesota.
Wellstone’s replacement is Walter Mondale, infamous for receiving the least electoral votes ever in a presidential election (1984, losing every state except Minnesota to Ronald Reagan).
On top of all this, the Angels won the World Series. If anyone had told me last year the Angels would have had a good season, let alone win the Series, I would have laughed in their face.
But Michael Eisner’s team was able to beat both the Yankees and the Giants.
Life gets weirder and weirder by the day.
When you can’t tell the difference between a serious newspaper and The Onion, it reaches the point of ridiculousness.
Maybe things will get boring again, but as long as Chief Moose is on the lookout, I doubt they will.
Neal Ungerleider can be reached at n_terminal@yahoo.com
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