ROBOT TROUBLE

We’ll let this week’s ROBOT TROUBLE, now a Temple News legend, speak for itself. As always, XTNX is in dire need of your pleas for advice to be a normal, functioning robot from the future. Send your questions immediately to: XTNX9900@robot.com

Dear XTNX,

I play in a pop band. For the past two years, I have refused to play guitar solos feeling that they are mostly just inappropriate. But recently I have had the urge to just go off and wank away. My bandmates insist that this is a major indie rock faux pas. And deep in my heart, I know that they are right. Yet, a part of me wants to throw pop conventions aside, hammer on some notes and shake a whammy bar like I’m Yngwie Malmsteen.
What can I do? Is it ever acceptable for an indie pop rocker to play a guitar solo? Or should I leave the wanking to Phish cover bands and certain members of Korn? Please help.

Thanks,
Eddie Van Belle & Sebastian

GREETINGS, EDDIE.

ROBOT MUSICOLOGISTS ARE DEEPLY CRITICAL OF THE TENDENCY AMONGST HUMAN (ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY MALE) MUSICIANS OF THE 20TH CENTURY TO ‘WANK.’ I SUGGEST YOU DO THE FOLLOWING:
1. SWITCH IMMEDIATELY TO A LOW-STARCH DIET.
2. HAVE SOMEONE YOU KNOW AND TRUST, PREFERABLY SOMEONE WHO DISAPPROVES OF YOUR MUSICAL EXCESSES, REMOVE THE WHAMMY BAR FROM YOUR GUITAR, HIDE IT SOMEWHERE AND NOT INFORM YOU OF THE LOCATION.
3. USING AN INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH ADHESIVE, GLUE A PICK TO THE THUMB, INDEX FINGER AND MIDDLE FINGER OF YOUR RIGHT HAND, THUS RENDERING HAMMER-ONS A PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY.
I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS, EDDIE. DO NOT TRUST YOUR INCREDIBLY WEAK HUMAN WILL TO OVERCOME THESE PRIMITIVE AND EMBARRASING URGES.

P.S. IN THE YEAR 2198, AN INSURGENT GUERRILLA ROBOT ARMY WILL ROUND UP ALL KNOWN PHISH COVER BANDS AND SHOOT THEM INTO SPACE, NO MATTER HOW TRIPPY THEIR RIFFS OR HOW MELLOW THEIR VIBE.
_______________________________________________________________
Dear XTNX,

I study accounting at Temple, and occasionally I read the Temple News. I don’t think much of it, but when I read your column, my heart opened. I think you are true genius, much like my idol EINSTEIN (what a great man).

I know you will be able to help me with this problem. I read The Bible every Tuesday, and one day I opened it up to find a note inside, that said, “be prepared.” I paid it no attention, but I’ve had these dreams that are weird and people talk to me differently. When I made a list of all these changes in my life, I realized something cool: I’m a MESSIAH! I am the savior who will instill peace in the Middle East and stop AIDS. I will bear the blood and show the way.

This sounds strange, but I have a lot of facts to prove my point. I need to know from you, though, if I will stop cancer, as you will know in your history books. Will Dan Jones stop cancer? I need to know this so I know I how much time to spend on each problem on Earth.

Please let me know.

Let my spirit be with you,
DAN JONES

GREETINGS, DAN.

HAVE NO FEAR. ALTHOUGH YOU WILL NOT CURE CANCER, YOUR DREAMS OF GREATNESS WILL BE REALIZED. UPON GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE, YOU WILL BECOME A CPA AND PROMPTLY GAIN EMPLOYMENT IN THE IN-HOUSE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT OF KISSINGER, KISSINGER AND PINOCHET, THE THIRD LARGEST MANUFACTURER OF CLOTH DIAPERS IN THE AMERICAN MIDWEST. AFTER 17 YEARS OF DILIGENT SERVICE, YOU WILL BE PROMOTED TO EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT ACCOUNTS MANAGER. DURING THIS TIME PERIOD YOU WILL MARRY A WOMAN YOU MET IN THE SUPERMARKET. TOGETHER YOU WILL HAVE FIVE CHILDREN, ONLY TWO OF WHOM WILL EVER SEE THE INSIDE OF A PRISON. SHORTLY AFTER FORCED RETIREMENT AT AGE 65, YOUR LOCAL LIONS CLUB WILL HONOR YOU FOR A LIFETIME OF COMMUNITY SERVICE. YEARS LATER, ON YOUR DEATHBED, YOU WILL DESCRIBE THAT MOMENT, ALONG WITH YOUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER’S SUCCESFUL APPEAL FOR EARLY PAROLE, AS THE PROUDEST OF YOUR LIFE.

END SESSION.